


Lifeline

by orphan_account



Series: Lifeline (the series) [1]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Re-write, Scars, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Two Endings, its cute i promise, josh and tyler complete each other, this is lowkey sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-04 14:05:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 34,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10992450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: aka the one in which Tyler's failed suicide attempt lands him in rehab where he meets Josh; an unreadable boy who changes his hair colour everyday, and maybe, just maybe, he's exactly what Tyler needs.((This was already finished but i've decided to re-write it to make it actually good. it is pretty different from the original just not on a basic plot level -- check the tags for potential triggers))





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> “Tyler,” His mother’s voice gasped out, she sounded like she was crying. “what have you done.” Her panicked words echoed around his skull as he took another jagged breath. He barely registered her bony hands pulling him up into her arms, his vision tunnelling and then, everything faded to black. 

Tyler woke with a start, shuddering violently, still trapped inside his nightmare. He could still feel the sticky liquid pool over his wrists and trickle down his wrists, it made Tyler flinch pulling his hoodie sleeves over as the feeling filtered away, leaving a horrible tingling sensation behind. He took a shaky breath and opted for staring out the window of the moving vehicle, pretending not to notice the concerned glance coming from his siblings sat next to him. Maddie, shuffled closer in her seat, encasing one of Tyler’s covered hands with her own, resting her head on his shoulder, he sighed and leaned into her comforting touch, placing a small kiss to the top of her head. He closed his eyes and tried to block out the dark thoughts lurking in the corners of his mind as the car pulled down a long driveway. 

There was a woman waiting for them when the car pulled to a stop. 

"Welcome to our facility." The woman greeted them from the doorstep of the large house. 

It was the biggest house Tyler had ever seen, a huge white country manor. There was something distinctly homely about its exterior that felt forced and fake, it made Tyler’s skin crawl. This wasn't some holiday home or country retreat -despite its exterior or surrounding forest- this was an asylum and the exterior was just a way of keeping his guard down so he won’t struggle when he’s incarcerated. 

Maddie grabbed tightly onto his hand as his whole family was lead inside. Tyler tried to ignore the anxiety bubbling in his gut and focused on his sister’s tight hold, too desperate to keep her close to admit she was pressing on his bandages. 

The lobby of the building was much like the outside. It was spacious; the walls were white and clinical but furnished heavily with lamps and beige couches and fake flowers as though it was a show home. There was a front desk with someone sat behind it typing away on a computer. 

The only comfort Tyler had so far was that it looked and smelt nothing like a hospital, he hated hospitals, they made his skin itch. Although, he’d take hospital nurses over the woman who had greeted them at this point. She was wearing an obviously forced smile, talking to Tyler and his siblings like they were stupid or unable to hold a basic understanding of the English language. 

"Before we can get you settled into your room you'll need to see the doctor and then your personal therapist, they’re just going to do a quick assessment to get an idea of where you're at." 

She then moved her patronising gaze towards Tyler's mother. "There's just some paperwork to sign on your part,” she turned back to Tyler as a man in scrubs came over. “We just need to check your bags and your pockets, it’s all standard procedure I’m sure you understand.” Her smile seemed even more forced now, but Tyler nodded, practically shaking when his sister’s hands slipped from his. 

The woman led his siblings over to one of the couches while his mother leant on the desk, hunched over a stack of papers, pen in hand. 

Tyler tried not to scream as the man began patting him down, he really didn’t like strangers touching him. He bit his lip to keep quiet. The guy then pulled out a large zip-lock bag, he gestured to the strings in Tyler’s hoodie and Tyler managed to pull the string out through the loops without accidentally strangling himself. His shoelaces were next. They then began sorting through his bag, taking away any more hoodie strings or shoelaces as well as his headphones, they put them all in the bag, filling in the sticker on the front with Tyler’s information before confiscating his ipod, phone and wallet. Tyler opted to give his mother his keys seeing as he wouldn’t need them for a while. By the end of it he felt violated, like he’d been stripped bare but he shook it off. 

“Time to say goodbye.” The woman said softly after the man in scrubs had left to file Tyler’s possessions. Tyler felt his whole chest tighten up, he turned to slowly to see his sister was already crying. His mother began to fuss over him, tears brimming her eyes as she kissed all over his face and told him she loved him and was proud of him. Tyler willed the relentless ache in his chest to leave him alone.

“Bye guys, I love you.” He managed to call as his family were escorted out. Maddie broke free from the rest and pulled Tyler into a tight hug. “It’s okay Mads, I’m gonna get better here.” He promised, hugging her back briefly before letting Zack drag her off with a sad smile. 

She immediately latched onto her other brother, crying into his shoulder. 

“See ya soon bro.” Zack promised before leaving. 

Tyler took a deep breath as he was lead to the doctor’s room. Once inside he was prodded and poked and exposed to the doctor, who removed the bandages he’d been given at the hospital and put fresh ones on. 

Afterwards Tyler was lead down a labyrinth of corridors. As he headed around a corner a flash of deep red caught his eye and he turned to see a girl walking down the connecting corridor. She was short and incredibly thin, her vibrant hair tied up messily into a ponytail, stray curls flopping onto her face, her gaze met Tyler’s briefly before she looked away with a smirk. Tyler blinked after her before he realised he’d fallen behind his escort. 

The woman opened a door and instructed Tyler to sit on the couch and wait for his therapist to arrive before leaving. Tyler let out a large puff of air when he finally realised he was alone, shrinking further into the itchy brown couch, he fidgeted with his hoodie sleeves trying not to mess with the new bandages. They were too tight and they felt like they were chaffing, but he had kept quiet when the doctor had put them on. He tended to prefer remaining as silent as possible most of the time, on the principal that he was so tired of talking and having no one truly listen.

Before he could let his eyes flutter shut with exhaustion the door opened, shocking him awake and upright. A blonde woman walked into the room, she must only have been about 25 or so, with thick rimmed glasses and her long hair in a low bun to make her look more sophisticated. She sat in the chair opposite Tyler and offered out her hand. 

"Hello, I'm Dr. Kemp I'll be your therapist and counsellor while you're here, normally they give you separate people but we're having staffing issues at the moment, I've only been here a month or so myself." Tyler stared at her hand as she spoke but refused to take it, she gave up quickly however and began shuffling through the files on her lap.

“Right, so first things first; basic rules.” She smiled and began listing off the rules of the facility from a piece of paper in front of herself. 

\- Room’s are checked before lights out and in the mornings.  
\- No leaving your room after lights out.  
\- Boys are forbidden from entering the girls wing of the building and vice versa.  
\- Meal times are set you must eat everything given to you.  
\- Take your meds at the registered time.  
\- Patients must attend and speak at group therapy twice a week.  
\- Patients must see their therapist at least once a week.  
\- Relationships between patients are discouraged.  
\- No touching, fighting or yelling.  
\- Breaking these rules will lead to removal of privileges.

Tyler zoned out after that most things seemingly boring. He planned on just keeping his head down and staying her for however long his mom felt was necessary before she believed he was okay. 

“Tyler, you chose to be here instead of the psyche ward, but just because we’re not as intensive doesn’t mean that you can just lay around and ignore the rules okay? You’re expected to participate in art therapy or sports or group activities too. When you’re more settled and I deem it necessary I’ll have to send you to the tutor so you can keep on top of your school work.” Tyler flinched. “It’s all at your own pace Tyler, don’t worry.” Dr. Kemp continued.  
She asked him about himself while he stared out the window at the large grounds that surrounded the facility. She tried discussing his medical exam but he tuned her out even more, he only snapped back to reality when he heard his name said loudly. 

“Okay, I can see you're not listening so I think we're done here. I’ll get someone to show you around, they’ll take you to your room so you can get settled in.” Just as she was about to get up she stopped herself and leant forward, closer to Tyler, and gave him a sympathetic smile. "You know why you're in here don't you Tyler?"   
She paused for a nod of acknowledgement which he gave before continuing. "We're here to help you, that's all we want to do but you've got to help me in return okay?"   
Before she could wait for an answer she was out of her chair and headed for the door. "Wait here." She said as she swiftly left the room. 


	2. two

When Dr. Kemp returned, she brought with her the girl Tyler has seen earlier. 

"This is Ruby, she'll show you around." She said gesturing to the petite redhead. On her queue Ruby stepped back out the doorway gesturing with a nod of her head for Tyler to follow, which he did. 

They walked through the maze of corridors in mostly silence except for when they'd walk past a room of some significance and then Ruby would mutter its purpose without even bothering to stop. 

"Showers are down that corridor. Girls bedrooms down that one." They continued down the stairs back to the ground floor. "Group therapy happens in here. This is the quiet room. This is the art room. This is the TV room- channels are monitored." 

Eventually they made it to the largest room in the building. "This is the food hall; all meals are here. Mealtimes are set and you're monitored at all times for obvious reasons." 

She twitched somewhat nervously as if waiting for him to say something, clearly Tyler's silence made her uncomfortable. Her gaze dragged up and down his skinny frame, her arms folding neatly over her chest as she leant against the wall.

It was like there was something she was desperate to say but she was trying her hardest to swallow it, he already knew what she was thinking, knowing she was waiting for him to give away whether her assumptions were correct. He refused to cave, instead just staring at him expectantly. With a bored sigh, she pushed off the wall and lead him back upstairs towards the boy’s bedrooms. 

She checked the room number against the scribble on her arm before opening the door for him. She remained in the doorway, aware that she wasn’t allowed inside.   
The bedroom was bare, the walls a depressing off-white. Only a set of drawers, a bed and a desk and little else. His small suitcase of things only served to make the room feel even more empty than before. There was a small en-suite with a toilet, sink and mirror but no door to it. He sighed even harder when he saw the two large windows were curtain-less, with no way to open them. 

“No privacy.” He muttered, back turned to Ruby, but just loud enough for her to speak. 

"No blinds 'cause they need chords and no curtains cos curtain poles and no opening the windows so yeah" Ruby sighed, arms folded once again. "You'll get used to it."

“Meet me at the end of the hall for supper.” She said after a lengthy silence, Tyler staring absentmindedly out the window. He flinched a bit as though only just remembering she was there. “They’ll shout so don’t worry you’ll hear it, plus they take a roll so if you don’t turn up, you’ll kinda be escorted there.” 

Tyler just nodded dumbly before letting Ruby smirk and close his door, walking off. Tyler reached down at the edge of his bed to pick up his suitcase but his arms were trembling too much. Instead of lifting the case he simply just pulled himself down, collapsing to his knees beside it. He immediately broke down into tears, cradling his head in his hands. A war of emotions taking up all the space in his chest, squeezing down on his lungs and straining his heart, all while pushing out at his lungs. He fell onto his side, curling up around his small bag of belongings sobbing harder until he fell into a broken sleep. 

By some miracle he was awake before supper time. He blinked open his sore eyes, wincing at the pull of his bandages, scared he might have pulled his stitches. His limbs clicked and popped as he removed himself from his position on the floor. Tyler dragged his body -his movements still sluggish in a way that went beyond simple tiredness- to the small bathroom, splashing his face with cool water. 

He stared at his reflection, ignoring the deep sunken bags under his eyes or the small pimple on his cheek. He ran his hand over his buzzed haircut, it had already began growing back after he’d cut it all off at 3am while he’d been trying to stop the world from spinning so fast he lost his grip and floated off into oblivion. 

He busied himself with unpacking his suitcase, mainly just stuffing things into the drawers. It wasn’t until now that he realised how little he had brought, how little he needed to live by. 

Before he could get lost in his thoughts again, there was a loud voice shouting down the corridor, alerting people that it was supper time. He heard doors opening and closing, low murmured voices and the shuffling of feet. 

Tyler hesitated, just long enough for everyone else to have seemingly left the corridor before quietly exiting his room making note of his room number, _12_. 

Ruby was waiting as promised, her signature arms folded, smirk combination plastered on her face. She muttered something about him taking his time before leading him down to the meal hall. 

Tyler pretended not to notice the big bandaid that she fiddled with on her arm, not wanting to pry. Someone flicked through a clipboard finding Tyler’s name and ticking him off. 

He followed the queue of people collecting a tray and letting staff pass him a plate of one food and a bottle of water and a plastic knife and fork. It was only when he went to find a seat that he took in the number of other 15-19 year olds that were in this facility too. They all chatted amiably, a few giving hesitant looks towards the handful of men in scrubs who lined the rooms, watching. 

Ruby nudged Tyler’s shoulder and gestured for him to follow her to one of the smaller tables, it only fit 6 people around it and two guys and another girl were sat at it. 

He tried to smile politely when Ruby introduced them, immediately forgetting their names. He gave a few brief replies whenever they asked him things like where he was from, how long he was here for and such. 

He felt so anxious he could barely eat, scared he would be ill if he did. He could feel eyes on the back of his skull and he knew a monitor was watching him to make sure he ate. He prayed that his company didn’t notice how his plastic fork shook as he brought it to his mouth. 

He looked around himself anxiously, causing his eyes to fall onto a shock of green hair. The boy was sat at the table next to theirs, ignoring someone trying to talk to him, slowly picking at his food instead. He had plastic black gauges in his ears which he assumed were only allowed because they were plastic, seeing as he’d been asked to remove any jewellery when he’d been patted down. Tyler took in his broad nose and high cheekbones, his almond eyes flickered over to one of the monitors as they walked past his table making their rounds. 

Tyler didn't know why he was staring but he couldn't stop; there was something so fascinating in his presence.

Ruby must've noticed Tyler had zoned out, leaning into his line of vision. With a trademark smirk, she followed where his gaze was looking before saying, "Josh doesn't like people staring." 

"Josh." Was all Tyler could seem to reply finally prying his eyes away. "Why is he-" He started before realising; he wasn't going to tell them his own reason for being here so he couldn’t ask for someone else’s, especially from someone else like he was gossiping about them.

Ruby looked up at him. "What? His hair?" She said attempting to finish his sentence. To save an interrogation Tyler nodded going along with it. 

“Before he came here he had his sisters bleach his hair, since he got put in here they send him these like chalks in different colours, they’re really cool they literally last one wash. His therapist only allows it since they set up this system of like using them to say how he’s feeling."   
Tyler couldn't help but stare again but this time at the deep green that swirled around in frizzy curls on top of his head, fascinated. 

"So what does green mean?" He lowered his voice so as not to be overheard, immediately disappointed in himself for doing the one thing he just told himself he wouldn’t. 

“He won’t tell me.” Ruby chuckled. “I’d say, at a guess, anxiety maybe? Jonny, would you say that?” She turned to the boy beside her with a raised eyebrow.   
He ducked his head at the sudden attention, muttering a quick, “leave me out of this, I don’t want to get punched.”

“Oh come on, stop being a spoil sport.” She raised her hand to pat his arm but immediately remembered she wasn’t allowed to touch him, using her hand to tuck a hair behind her ear instead. Tyler frowned but didn’t say anything, there was nothing to say. Jonny brushed the incident of, immediately bantering back, causing her to smile.   
Tyler tuned out their light bickering after that, unable to stop his gaze from flickering back towards Josh, like a magnet. The tired way he looked at his food suggested he wasn't in the mood for being bothered, and the guy trying to talk to him had obviously picked up on it because he was talking to someone else animatedly instead. 

Just then, as if sensing Tyler's eyes on him, Josh looked up. The pair made eye contact, Josh's face was unreadable but Tyler couldn't help but get flustered. Blushing, he looked back at his food again.  He continued, however, to feel Josh's intense stare burning into the side of his skull, the hairs on the back of his neck prickling, whole body shaking even more that before. The pink on his cheeks only getting stronger as Josh refused to look away, studying him in much the same way Tyler had done to him.


	3. three

Tyler’s first day at the facility started with his first group therapy session. It was painful to say the least. 

A group of eight patients (including Tyler) sat around in a circle while a bearded man in a Slip Knot shirt called Adam tried to egg on a conversation about regret. Or at least that’s what Tyler had thought he heard before he tuned him out as usual.

Tyler had pretended not to notice that Josh had sat directly opposite him when he’d arrived. He pretended even harder not to notice that Josh kept looking at him as he stared at his lap. Taking occasional risked glances, only to almost make eye contact and immediately look down again, blushing a little. Today Josh’s hair was a dirty orange –most likely because the green hadn’t fully washed out- but it reminded Tyler of autumn and pumpkins and Halloween, taking his younger siblings trick-or-treating, the memories made his chest fuzzy. He wondered if orange was a good colour for Josh, but the blank, almost bored expression on his face didn’t seem to imply that. 

Tyler shifted uncomfortably in the collapsible chairs they made everyone sit on. He tuned in the conversation but immediately regretted it. 

“I regret not locking the door." One girl said slowly from the other side of the circle.  _Being stabbed would hurt less than this._

"I regret that it was my mom who found me." That line felt like being stabbed to Tyler, it brought back the sound of his mom's voice calling his name in horror and made his scars itch, he tried to rub them through the tight bandages discretely. 

There was an audible sigh from across the room that made everyone look up, Josh was sat back, chair creaking as he draped his arm over the back of it, scrubbing a hand down his face.

"Josh what about you? I'm sure there are things you regret." Adam said staring Josh down, obviously annoyed but not surprised by Josh’s interruption. 

"Nope." Josh replied popping the ‘p’ sound almost mockingly. Everyone else in the circle simply kept their head down, one person stifled a laugh. 

"Really? Nothing at all?" Adam pressed, eyebrows raised. He was met, however, with silence. "What about guilt then?" 

The rest of the circle shifted uncomfortably looking anywhere but at Josh or Adam, but Tyler's eyes remained transfixed on the boy with orange hair and piercing brown eyes. Waiting to see what he would say or do next. 

"No." He replied, somewhat firmer this time. The shaking in his hands gave him away though, told everyone who looked at him that it was all an act.  There was some orange dye around the bottom of his palms and under his nails from putting it on that morning Tyler stared transfixed.  
Tyler was so distracted he didn't notice Josh look at him once again.

Adam sighed loudly, breaking both boys out of their reverie. "You really don't feel any guilt or regret?" Adam pushed, his tone suggested that he was at the end of his tether. “For nothing, in your life, _ever_?”

"Oh no I regret a lot of things” Josh began and Adam almost looked triumphant that his little quip had got Josh to participate but his expression soon grew stony as Josh continued speaking. “These group sessions probably make up a large number of them." 

Adam rolled his eyes and sat back on his chair, "If you won't take things seriously then I'll have to remove your privileges." 

Josh shrugged as he kept his gaze forward, hazel meeting the brown of Tyler’s own eyes. 

“Fine.” Adam huffed. “What about you, newbie? What’s your name?”

All attention shifted towards Tyler and he suddenly realised he was expected to speak now. He cleared his throat awkwardly, his voice coming out much smaller than intended. “Tyler.”

"I know you just got here but it's compulsory for everyone to say at least one thing each session." Adam said much softer than before, giving Tyler an expectant look. 

"Urm, I guess-" Tyler shifted uncomfortably fiddling with his hoodie sleeves before he rubbed his hands together. "I kind of regret the mess." He refused to look anywhere other than at his fingers and he picked at the skin around his nails. 

"The _mess_?" 

It wasn't Adam who had responded, however, it was Josh. The sincerity in his voice threw Tyler even more. His head cocked to the side like a curious puppy and Tyler instantly looked back down to his hands in shame. 

“I don’t know…” he mumbled. “The mess I made, the mess I left behind, I-I’m not sure how, I even tried to stop it but everything just got so-so _messy_.” He swallowed the uncomfortable lump in his throat as he looked at the floor as if to say ‘don’t you see it too?’. Josh studied him, his expression quickly becoming unreadable again. 

Someone else spoke up across the circle responding to what Tyler had said. A small debate between a few of the other people in the group and it allowed Tyler to slide back into his seat, zoning back out again as he fidgeted with his sleeves. Josh never took his eyes off the brunette, even when he saw Tyler visibly shiver aware he was being watched. The prickle in the back of his neck was starting to become somewhat of a familiar sensation. 

As lunch time rolled around Tyler opted to sit separate from Ruby and her usual crew. He wasn’t in the mood for another prying question or knowing glance. He pushed the veggies on his plate around with his fork for a while, curling in on himself self-consciously as a monitor walked by and gave him a look to keep eating. 

A small fight erupted across the hall as one person shoved another out of their seat but it was immediately broken up, Tyler pretended not to notice someone using the distraction to smuggle food off their plate and onto their friends. Everything was too busy, too much noise rattling through his brain; he didn’t like it. 

"Do you mind if I-" a voice said slowly. Tyler’s head snapped up to see Josh stood next to the table, gesturing with his head to the seat opposite him, hands still holding his lunch tray. 

“Can’t stop you.” He mumbled, his voice hoarse from anxiety and lack of use. Josh smiled weakly before sliding into the seat and picking at his food. 

They sat in an almost awkward silence for a beat before Tyler forced himself to try and make conversation, desperate to understand Josh. 

“Why didn't you want to answer Adam?” He didn't know why he started their first real conversation by being so bold but the question had been bugging him all day.  
“Because it was a stupid question.” Josh replied with a scrunch of his nose, as though it was obvious. Tyler blinked at him. “ _Of course_ people have regrets. He only asks that stuff so that we'll admit we regret to kill ourselves or whatever.” 

Tyler flinched as though he'd been slapped in the face and the last part. The blunt words a bit of a shock. Josh noticed immediately that Tyler was uncomfortable quickly changing the subject. “I mean, I don't understand why we have to listen to Adam anyway he’s an ass.” Josh chuckled awkwardly, leaning a bit towards Tyler as though about to tell him a secret. “He thinks Vaporeon is the best Pokémon.”

"Are you _kidding_ me?" Tyler replied disgusted, unable to stop himself from letting out a small laugh. Josh smiled in awe at Tyler’s burst of excitement and the cute way he covered his mouth embarrassed. 

The pair instantly fell into an in-depth discussion about which Pokémon was, in fact, the best. Both boys snickering as they tried to hide their laughs, Josh going as far as biting his tongue to stop himself. It still earned them a few stares, Ruby smirked as the pair continued to chatter as though oblivious to the stares. A lot of the other patients weren’t sure when or even _if_ they'd heard Josh laugh before so they were understandably curious as to why Tyler seemed to be an exception. 

As they finished their food and stood to leave Josh spoke up. “Do you want to sit together at suppertime?” He gave a shy smile and Tyler mirrored it, nodding. 

The two boys quickly fell into the rhythm of seeking each other’s company, playing card games or watching whatever TV was permitted that day, sitting together in group therapy or at meals. Ruby joined them often, seemingly one of the few people Josh enjoyed talking to. 

Although they weren't _completely_ inseparable, it was becoming increasingly likely to find them together, as opposed to apart. 


	4. four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: brief mention of blood/pulled stitches at the end.

“Can we talk about it yet?” 

Tyler refused to look up as Dr. Kemp finally asked the question she’d been building up to all session. He knew he’d done well to put it off for as many sessions as he had but that didn’t stop him from trying to push it further. 

"There's nothing to talk about." He replied his voice low and gravelly as he pulled on a loose thread on the sleeve of his 'Grouplove' hoodie. 

“Tyler,” Dr. Kemp sighed softly. “Until you’re ready to admit to yourself what you tried to do -what you almost succeeded in doing- you won't be able to move forward.” 

Tyler sniffed, turning his attention out of the window, if he looked hard enough he can just make out a group of kids trying yoga on the edge of one of the fields. There was a large oak tree near the other end with a few people lay in its shade talking, it was an oddly warm day and so most of the residents had been forced to go outside and get fresh air. 

"You can't have outdoor privileges unless you start making progress." Dr. Kemp said, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose. Tyler spent every session staring out the distant forest longingly and she knew it was something she could use as leverage. 

Tyler let a sharp breath out of his nose before turning back to tracing shapes against his leg. 

"I can't." He mumbled. 

"Why do you say that?" Dr. Kemp pressed.

"I just _can't_." 

He wanted to scream, to just get up and leave. 

“If-if I say it then it becomes real, all of it.” He squeezed his eyes shut, his breathing quickening. Dr. Kemp sat forward, instantly recognising a problem, she began calming talking him through one of the breathing exercises she’d taught him previously. After a while he calmed down. 

"Please don't make me say it.” He begged and Dr. Kemp gave him a soft smile, trying to comfort him. 

“I know that it hurts right now but we’re gonna get you to a place where you can talk about it okay, just be patient with yourself okay?” She soothed and Tyler nodded, letting out a shaky breath. As though whatever poison he’d sucked in before was dispelled and he felt calm again, he rubbed his sweaty palms on his jeans. 

“I’m gonna put in a request for your outdoor privileges, so you can go outside tomorrow okay?” She smiled and Tyler returned it weakly, watching her scribble more notes in his file. 

After his session was finished for the day Tyler headed back to his room to gather himself before lunchtime. On his way, back to his room he heard whispering. 

Carefully he peered around the corner of the corridor to see Ruby having a whispered conversation with someone, the patchy washed-out purple gave away the boy’s identity. Tyler furrowed his brow hanging back, he couldn’t make out anything they were saying only that Ruby seemed to be teary eyed, her body language implying she was frustrated. 

She took something from Josh that Tyler couldn’t see, immediately hiding it, Tyler ducked out of sight before she could see him. When he looked back she had pulled Josh into a tight hug, squeezing her thin arms around his shoulder, careful not to let any dye from his hair get on her skin, aware that this was against the rules. 

Her eyes squeezed shut, as though she never wanted to let go, Josh’s grip on her waist suggested he seemed to feel the same and Tyler was suddenly struck with the realisation that he was spying on an intimate moment between the two. He felt guilt settle in his stomach and looked away. There was a small bubbling of jealousy as he closed his eyes and leant against the wall, the image of them hugging still playing behind his eyelids. Part of him missed his sister, remembering her hugging him tight before Zack had dragged her away. But another part felt uncomfortable at the idea that Ruby and Josh might have feelings for one another, like he was unhappy that they could be in a relationship. At first he found the idea completely absurd; he didn’t have romantic feelings for Ruby, she was beautiful yes, her eyes green like emeralds, easy to get lost in, but he just couldn’t find it in himself to feel anything beyond a platonic fondness for her. He furrowed his brow and shook his head in confusion before deciding to just go back to his room. 

Just as he began walking again he almost walked straight into Josh, his sudden appearance much closer than before leading Tyler to walk straight into him. Their limbs immediately tangled as Josh managed to sort of cling onto Tyler keeping them both upright. Tyler let out a startled gasp as he was pulled flush into Josh’s chest, his heart beating a mile a minute. 

“O-oh my gosh I’m so sorry.” Tyler managed to get out a little shaken, Josh’s fingers wrapped tighter on his hip and Tyler realised his grip was probably the only thing holding him upright. 

“Are you okay?” Josh asked after a long silence, he’d just been staring at Tyler with his signature unreadable expression. Tyler felt his cheeks heat up as he leant into Josh’s touch, his body was warm and he wished he could stay wrapped up in it forever. It was then that he realised he wasn’t jealous because he liked _Ruby_. 

“Tyler, do you need a doctor?” Josh asked seeing as Tyler had almost collapsed at the revelations, forgetting to answer Josh for some time. 

Carefully Tyler pushed his legs straight, willing them to work. He shook his head, clearing his throat. “I-I should go.” He said untangling his limbs from Josh’s. 

“Ty-” Josh began but Tyler was already walking past him, tips of his ears bright pink. 

“Sorry.” He mumbled again before practically running to his room. 

At lunch, he found it hard to look at Josh, his revelation made every meeting of their eyes cause his breath to catch. He couldn’t talk to Josh without blushing, but as lunch wore on he found himself better at getting a grip on himself, getting back into the rhythm of talking to Josh. Josh never brought up their awkward encounter again and Tyler was eternally grateful that Josh just seemed to understand, to just _get_ Tyler. 

The next day he was informed he could spend the morning in the garden. 

Practically vibrating with excitement, he found his way to the sliding doors that lead out the back of the facility. He stepped carefully out the door and onto the field. The soft earth below him was still dewy and it felt so different from the hard carpet that made up most of the flooring inside, whole-body tingling. He took a deep breath inhaling the fresh air and closing his eyes. 

When he opened them, Ruby was stood in front of him, startling him. People seemed to have a habit of doing that in this place. Once again he was reminded of how there was no concept of privacy. 

"Sorry." She mumbled, picking at her nails. "I see you got outside privileges, congrats." She quickly pulled her face into her usual smirk. 

"Uh, thanks?" Tyler scratched the back of his neck, eyes scanning around at the grounds. He ignored the monitors scattered around sporadically in favour of the way the trees bristled in the light breeze. 

“Do you want to walk around a bit?” Ruby asked shyly, trying to be friendly. Tyler nodded walking across the field towards the big tree in the corner. 

When he got there Tyler looked around, antsy. He bounced on the balls of his feet, limbs twitching as he looked up at the branches of the large oak. His whole body was itching to climb it, spotting all the good knots and potential foot-holds. He chewed on his lip as he looked around again, seeing the nearest monitor was watching the small game of kickball that was set up on the other end of the field for one of the sports therapy groups. 

Before Ruby could say anything, he placed his hands on the rough bark of the tree, pulling his sleeves up, exposing his bandages. He immediately began scrambling up higher and higher. 

“Tyler!” Ruby hissed, trying to get him to stop. “Tyler you’re gonna get in trouble get down!” She seemed scared as he ignored her and continued climbing higher and higher. He found a thicker branch about two thirds of the way up the trunk and decided to climb onto it, shutting out Ruby’s gasps as his one foot slipped a little. 

He sat against the trunk and stuffed his hands in his pockets. He took in the view around himself, the calm serenity he gained from the distance from the ground. He’d climbed so much as a child that doing it again now just made him return to that freedom, when he didn’t feel the weight of the world crushing him further down into the ground. 

He ignored the shouts of the monitor who had obviously finally noticed him climbing. 

“Get down immediately!” They shouted, promising no more privileges, certainly no outdoor ones for a long while. 

“Dude, who cares he’s not hurting himself?” A calmer voice interrupted. Tyler opened his eyes to see Josh smirking up at him, a look of awed fondness on his face. 

Ruby and Josh continued to talk about random things as if the monitor wasn’t red-faced and shouting up at Tyler like a kid who wasn’t getting their way. They tried to hide their laughs as the monitor attempted to climb the tree but immediately slipping off. 

_Amateur._ Tyler snickered at him. 

Eventually he stormed off to find more people, and probably a ladder. Tyler soaked in the gentle breeze and the calmness before beginning his climb down again, his whole mood shifted to an almost eerie calmness just from sitting in the tree for 20 minutes. 

When he finally touched earth again Josh immediately took his arm into his hands. “You’re bleeding.” His mouth tugged down into a frown. 

Tyler pulled his arm from his grip, he hadn’t even noticed but he must’ve pulled his stitches while he was absorbed in the climb. 

When the monitor returned, he looked twice as mad to find there was no use for the big ladder he had lugged with him. His co-workers seemed annoyed but silently just escorted Tyler back inside and to the doctor. 

Josh and Ruby cheering and clapping as he was taken away, causing him to mock salute and smirk at them both.


	5. five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay this will be my last update for a couple days now cos i have an exam tuesday D: also i hope y'all are enjoying this fic and like think its good ?? idk what im saying i feel awkward idk

"Joshua, if you stop taking your meds, we can't help you." 

Josh simply stared down the guy dispensing meds. He raised his eyebrows when Josh simply blinked and refused to take the pill pot from him. 

Tyler watched him worriedly, but Ruby whispered from behind him. “He always does this it’s fine.” She assured him and Tyler visibly relaxed. 

A monitor with a clipboard marked something next to Josh’s name with a huff and ushered him on. The queue moved forward. 

“I’m allowed to give you painkillers for the stitches Tyler, do you want them?” The monitor asked as he handed over the pot with his anxiety meds in. Tyler shook his head ignoring the throbbing in his wrists. He swallowed his meds and opened his mouth to show he’d taken them. 

Josh was stood waiting for him by the door, scuffing his feet awkwardly. He was rubbing at his hands trying to get rid of the blue staining. His hair was a washed-out version of its usually vibrant colour, as though he'd dyed it but then changed his mind so tried to rub the colour off with wet hands. 

Ruby had told him that blue was bad, all the staff getting stiff and twitchy whenever they noticed the colour seemed to only cement this notion. Tyler's heart was pounding in his ears as he made brief eye contact with Josh’s sad eyes. He stopped dead in his tracks, something in him was broken at the sight of Josh like this. It was in this moment that he realised just how beautiful he was, maybe it was because for the first time ever he was looking at him, _really_ looking at him. 

Every time before that he'd always looked away after a short time as though staring at the sun -long exposure would damage- but now he saw him perfectly as though he was a painting that grew more detailed the longer one looked at it. Only, his view was tainted by the streak of blue that tinged the painting with sadness. 

While Tyler had stood still Ruby had passed him, having taken her own meds and had immediately began whisper yelling at Josh. Tyler snapped out of his staring, willing his heart to slow down he needed this silly crush to go away his life was stressful enough. 

He began heading for the door not wanting to interrupt their argument, but he couldn’t help but overhear what Josh was saying. 

“I don't want help anymore I _told_ you. I can't do this right now. I won't.” He huffed, turning and catching up the few steps to Tyler’s side. Ruby didn’t bother to call after him, instead she let someone escort her to the weigh-in area across the room. 

Tyler didn’t dare look at Josh, his words ringing through his skull. Tyler’s own world was crashing down around him and he no longer cared, but the thought of that happening to other people, to _Josh_ , hit him like a truck. 

“Do you wanna play some board games?” Josh asked finally breaking the silence. Tyler smiled and nodded letting him lead the way to the games room. 

**one week later**

"So you're like some future nba star?" Josh teased, stuffing his mouth full of food.

"Not quite." Tyler chuckled, slightly flustered.

Ruby slid into the seat beside him, pushing her food around her plate. She looked scared and Josh leant over the table to talk to her softly.

"Did they up your portion sizes again?"

She nodded staring at the plate of food, it was the same size as Tyler's now, before then she had been eating less, as part of their attempt to ween her back onto adult portion sizes.

Josh looked around the room and as soon as he was sure all the monitors were distracted by other patients he swapped their plates over, his half empty already.

Ruby looked at him with thankful and teary eyes.

"You can't do that every day." Tyler warned, trying to make sure he didn't come across rude.

Josh nodded and looked back at Ruby, "I won't have to because Ruby is going to talk to her therapist about why she's not ready yet." He gave her a pointed look and she shrunk in on herself before nodding slowly.

"You're doing so well." Tyler smiled encouragingly and Ruby clasped her palms together. Interlocking her fingers and holding them up so he could see. A symbol her and Josh had told Tyler was what they did when it meant they wanted to hug the other, but knew they couldn't. Tyler never mentioned that he'd seen them  _actually_  hugging before. Just smiled and did the gesture back.

After lunch the boys were sent to the arts room to try art therapy, Tyler didn't really find doodling very helpful, and usually ended up just scribbling down poetry ideas instead. Dr. Kemp had allowed him to keep a notebook and pens so that he could write whenever he wanted or more importantly, needed.

Josh often tried to draw people, laughing as he showed Tyler how he accidentally made their noses too big or their eyes wonky. The way he pressed his tongue between his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut made Tyler's heart flutter.

Today was different however because Tyler stood hesitantly over the small wooden piano in the corner of the room. It was tucked away, dusty and unloved. His fingers twitched over the cover before he looked up at the session leader. They were watching him. They nodded and Tyler knew it was permission to use the musical instrument. 

Cautiously he pulled out the stool, it scraped across the floor loudly. Aware that everyone was watching him he took the creaky seat and carefully lifted the cover, exposing the keys to the room for the first time in who knows how long.

The first few keys he pressed sounded off, he winced, flexing his fingers. He was a little rusty but he tried to recall some of the songs his mom would make him play for their guests when he was younger.

Blanking out the rest of the room he ran his fingers over the keys, re-familiarising himself with the feel of the piano, letting his muscle memory take over. It started out stunted and awkward but soon his fingers were dancing across the keys like a figure skater glides over the ice.

He felt sure he could hear the rhythmic tinkle of the beat filling itself in his mind but then his eyes looked up to see that Josh had joined him. Using paintbrushes as drumsticks and tapping away on the top of the piano in perfect sync with what Tyler was playing.

Tyler almost faltered in his playing too absorbed in the way Josh was throwing his entire being into his playing, both of them lost in their own world.

When the song finished, Tyler stifled an almost child-like giggle. Josh immediately smiling back at him. Tyler tried not to gasp when he realised how close they were sitting, Josh trying to squish onto the piano stool with him. This close Tyler could make out each individual freckle that dusted his nose. He risked just the gentlest of nudges of his leg onto Josh's and Josh reciprocated it before moving away again, his face unreadable as always.


	6. six

Tyler was sat in the TV room watching Toy Story for the tenth time because it was one of the only DVDs they were permitted to watch. He sighed and fiddled with his bandages while some girl next to him fell asleep curled up on the other end of the couch. 

Everyone was startled when a loud ringing started, the fire alarm wasn’t due a test until the following week so everyone was instantly alert. The girl next to Tyler sitting up in panic now wide awake. 

Just then someone ran into the doorway, panting hard from running. 

“The arts room is on fire.” They shouted before running off to warn more people, all patients were being rounded up by monitors and filed out of the building, trying to calm the swelling panic. Tyler could barely think over the ringing as he was ushered into the hallway and towards the front of the building. Ruby ended up beside him, shaking. 

“I can’t find Josh.” She shouted over the alarm, Tyler strained to hear her, almost tripping and people barged passed him. 

“What?”

“I can’t find him; he was right with me and now he’s gone.” She started to get choked up and Tyler took the opportunity to grab her hands while they were concealed by the crowd. Tyler’s heart began pounding in his ears, louder than any alarm. 

“I’ll find him.” Tyler promised. Before pushing against the flow of teens towards further into the building. 

Ruby shouted after him but her small frame was easily dragged along by the crowd, she couldn’t stop herself being pushed in the opposite direction. 

Tyler’s gut told him something was wrong and it lead him to instinctively head straight towards the arts room. He ducked out of sight from some monitors who were running out, having checked the rooms one last time before hurriedly walking again. As he got closer the air became thicker, smoke filling his nose, he felt adrenalin kick in the closer he got. 

The fire was huge, the heat and smoke coming off it overwhelming as the whole room went up in flames, Tyler stopped in the corridor outside it when he could make out a figure standing in the hallway. Even through the thick smoke he could make out who it was, coughing loudly he startled them and they turned with wide eyes. 

At that exact moment, the sound of floorboards waning rumbled above the figure and Tyler realised the ceiling was about to come down on top of them. Acting fast he ran towards them, not even thinking, pulling them out the way just as the room caved in on itself behind them. 

They fell to the floor, Tyler landing on top of them with a grunt, choking on smoke which continued to rise around them. Tyler's ears were ringing as he felt the heat from the fire scorching at his skin, struggling to breathe through the smoke caught in his lungs. He opened his eyes at the same time as the figure beneath him. They looked at Tyler with confusion. 

"Josh, what were you doing?!" Tyler demanded angrily, coughing.

"Nothing." Josh said dismissively, as though he were talking about what he had for breakfast. 

" _Nothing?!_ " He coughed harshly again. "You almost died?" 

"Still might." He said coughing too. At that realisation Tyler immediately pulled Josh up to his feet, he noticed he was limping from where debris had fallen on his foot, his leg scorched a little. Urgently Tyler slung Josh’s arm around his shoulders and began helping him get away from the room. 

As they reached the end of the corridor they were met by startled firemen who immediately escorted them out while trying to deal with the blaze. 

When they got outside Dr. Kemp was first to their side, helping prop Josh up as they took him towards an ambulance. 

“Oh my goodness, are you boys okay?” She asked and Tyler nodded with a cough. His lungs burned at the fresh air, his head pounding but he only clung to Josh’s waist tighter. Josh leant into his hold instinctively. 

They were given oxygen masks as they sat in the ambulance, someone tending to Josh’s leg while they were wrapped in a blanket. Tyler was checked over and given the all clear for burns, he was mainly just dirty and sooty. He had his bandages changed for clean ones but the paramedic wasn’t as rough as the doctor and so they weren’t as tight. 

The two boys were left to sit in the back of the ambulance alone while the paramedics had paperwork filled out and the fire fighters continued to try and put out the fire. 

“I’m glad you’re alright.” Tyler said pulling off the oxygen mask, he sniffed and wrapped the blanket further around himself. Josh turned to look at him.

Slowly Josh removed his own oxygen mask. 

“Why?” He replied. 

At first Tyler thought he was being dismissive again but he couldn't help but detect the genuine confusion in his voice that suggested that he wasn't used to people caring about himself enough to do anything. It made Tyler's chest feel even tighter. 

Their faces were inches apart, lips parted. If Tyler just leant forward, he could close the gap and-

“Joshua.” Dr. Kemp said his name as she approached. Both boys instantly leaned away from each other. Tyler blushed and put his mask back up after a small awkward coughing fit. 

Dr. Kemp looked stressed as she finally reached the pair. 

“I know you know who did this Josh. Tell me who it was or I have to assume it was you.” She pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose, folding her arms, waiting.   
Josh just stared past her, across the field at the trees the facility the opposite direction. Realising he wasn’t going to answer she pressed on. 

“The person who did this needs help Josh, real help at a different, more intensive facility. Not to mention they were able to sneak contraband into the facility without being caught.”

Josh hesitated for a short time, his face twitched with pain like he was having some kind of internal debate before he finally spoke. 

"It was Ruby." He mumbled, defeated. Dr Kemp was temporarily taken aback by the confession, furrowing her brow. She nodded once she’d gathered herself, giving Josh a comforting squeeze on his arm. 

“You did the right thing Josh. Now keep this one for a little bit longer okay?” She said softly, pulling his oxygen mask back up. Josh simply stared down at his lap, the hand next to Tyler gripped into a tight fist. 

Tyler watched silently as Dr. Kemp walked away and began discussing things with her co-workers before he heard the sniffling that told him Josh was trying to stop himself from crying. 

Hesitantly Tyler skimmed his fingers over Josh’s knuckles, coaxing him to open his fist so Tyler could slide their fingers together and hold his hand. Josh squeezed his hand tightly as he used his free hand to rub at his eyes. 

Tyler took his oxygen mask off, not feeling it necessary to use anymore.

“Did Ruby really do it?” He asked softly. Josh nodded, taking in a sob-ridden breath, removing his own mask so he could wipe his nose with his sleeve. 

“She told me she wanted the lighter for cigarettes, but she kept talking about wanting to get out of this place. She has issues, I couldn't make her problems go away, I tried so hard.” Josh sobbed.

Tyler ran his thumb across Josh’s knuckles, soothing him. He pulled Josh’s head down on his shoulder as he sobbed. Stroking a hand through his un-coloured hair. It didn’t take long for Josh to stop crying and he quickly sat up, embarrassed. 

“Sorry.” He laughed, as he let Tyler brush away the last few tears from his face. 

“It’s okay, just makes me feel stupid for thinking you were so intimidating.” Tyler joked, wiping his hand on his trousers. 

"Really?" Josh let out a watery chuckle, considering the concept for a second. 

"You have this really intense look, like you can see straight through me, and you've got the hair and the gauges it kinda gives off this ‘I-will-kill-you-if-you-breathe-wrong’ vibe.” Tyler said, brushing away some more stray tears that spilled down Josh’s cheeks. 

Josh laughed at that, a deep throaty laugh that Tyler had never heard before, he'd never genuinely laughed like that in his presence before. It was infectious and Tyler couldn't help but wonder if you could get high off other people's laughs. He couldn’t stop himself from smiling. 

"I think I'm figuring you out though." He added. This made Josh stop laughing, a flash of fear washed over his face, his grip on Tyler’s hand tightening. 

"Your problem is that you care too much, you're too kind to the world and all its done is screw you over, right? So, you make yourself look tough and scare people away so they won't take advantage of you." 

There was a long pause.

"I don't let people in." Was all Josh said, he sounded hurt but he didn't let go of Tyler’s hand. Tyler took it as a signal that he was right but maybe Josh was ready to just let him in.

"Maybe you don't really mean that." Tyler offered.

"Maybe." Josh said with a weak cough, looking up at the sky. 

Tyler tried not to smile to himself at that. The pair sat and stared at the sky as it grew orange as the sun departed. The fire seemed to have been all but extinguished now, nothing but a big plume of smoke rising from the back of the building and merging with the wispy clouds. 

Tyler broke the silence. "What does no colour mean?" 

"Huh?"

"Your hair, I know the different colours mean something but what does it mean when you don't put any colour on it?" 

Josh stopped for a second like Tyler had hit a nerve and he stared at him for longer than maybe was necessary before looking away and responding. 

"It means I've given up." 

Tyler's heart skipped and he tried not to feel like he'd just been punched in the gut. "Don't." Was all he could muster as a response. 

Josh stared at him again. They sat in silence for a while, Tyler staring at their linked hands and Josh staring at him. Waiting for someone to tell them it was safe to go back inside the facility. The silence wasn't painful or awkward like it was with other people, neither one of them felt the need to talk and that was okay. The faint sounds of them breathing was enough, just breathing was enough. 


	7. seven

There was an inquiry into the fire, declaring it an act of arson, it was settled that the punishment for the culprit if found would most likely be something linked to being moved to a high-risk facility which was its own kind of prison sentence. 

Josh clung to Ruby as she cried. 

“I’m so sorry.” Josh said, the guilt eating him alive. “I just want you to get better. You deserve happiness, and I ruined it I’m so sorry.” 

“No, Josh, I almost killed you.” She sobbed harder. “I’ll miss you so much.” She said pulling away from him. Josh wiped her tears and placed a platonic kiss to her forehead. 

“We’ll see each other again, we’ll make it.” He promised and Ruby sniffed. She wanted so desperately to believe that but she wasn’t sure anymore. She pulled him close one last time. 

“Now, you hold onto Tyler.” She said over his shoulder, Josh furrowed his brow and pulled back to look at her confused. “He makes you so happy Josh, keep him, don’t ever let him go.” She put a hand on his cheek fondly and Josh leant into her touch nodding. 

With one final hug, he let her leave to go to her therapy session. While in there she confessed to starting the fire in the arts room. 

Tyler held Josh’s hand discretely under the lunch table when they ate their final meal with Ruby before she was sent away. Josh didn’t say it but he was incredibly grateful that Tyler held his hand tightly, squeezing occasionally as if a reminder that he was still there, still there _for him_. 

Ruby stood alone, staring at the caution tape that blocked off the section of the building that had burnt down. It had all been sheeted up and weatherproofed to prevent the rain and wind seeping into the building. Her eyes were glazed over, hands stuffed into the pockets of her dunagrees. 

For a minute Tyler simply stood beside her, letting her choose whether to acknowledge his presence or not. 

After a few minutes, she slowly spoke, not moving for her position or daring to look away from the spot on the wall she’d picked. 

“I’m gonna miss you, Ty-guy.” She smirked but her eyes were still spaced out, her mind far away. 

Tyler let out a soft chuckle at the nickname. “I’ll miss you too.”

They stood in silence for a bit longer before Ruby took in a big breath and finally snapped out of her almost trance-like state. 

“Probably time for me to go now.” She said with a sad smile turning to leave. Tyler reached out for her. 

“Thank you.” He said.

“For what?” She furrowed her brow. 

“For being a friend.” He said with a smile, it grew bigger when he saw her famous smirk return to her features. 

She looked around them to see they were alone before leaping into his arms, hugging him tightly. 

“Look after Joshie for me?” She asked and Tyler nodded pulling her tighter briefly before releasing her. 

“Bye Ty-guy.” She pressed a small kiss to his cheek making him blush, before she was walking away. 

Tyler watched her go, chest heavy with sadness. 

As he lay in bed after lights out he couldn’t stop the overwhelming pressure that clung to his chest. It was like a small creature was hanging from bones in his ribcage, swinging back and forth like a monkey, its tail curling around his heart and squeezing hard. He couldn’t stop feeling like every shape in the darkness was it’s eyes watching him, figuring out where to squeeze next, to smother him. Gasping for air he stood up as though it was really a creature that could be pushed off himself. 

His thoughts of Ruby which had been suffocating him gave him an out, reminded him there was someone else who might understand his pain, who might be feeling more of it. Josh might need someone too right now. 

Tyler slipped out of his room door, sneaking down the corridor, careful to avoid the monitors who sometimes checked the halls for people sneaking out.   
He reached the right room, squinting in the dark at the faintly readable _21_ next to the door. He gave a light almost inaudible tap on the door before he opened it slowly.

Fear shot up Josh's spine like ice as his door creaked open but it quickly melted when he saw Tyler's soft features as he snuck in. 

Tyler couldn't help but notice how Josh's hair was white and damp due to the shower he had just had and his clothes stuck to him. It made his heart falter for just a second. 

"Hey" he said softly.

"Hey" Josh sat up trying to hide his confusion and failing. 

"Can I maybe hang out here for a bit..." 

Josh nodded understanding immediately. Without being asked Tyler immediately made his way over to Josh's bed and sat at the end of it, he immediately put his head in his hands. 

This position usually pulled on his bandages made his arms ache which he liked, the pain told him he was alive and that was all he could ask for at this point. But since they’d been reapplied they weren’t tight enough, instead they just chaffed uncomfortably. 

Josh moved to sit beside him, he didn't attempt ask him what was wrong he just pressed their shoulders together because he knew that sometimes just feeling the person close to you is enough. He knew that that was what he craved at that moment at least.

Tyler let out a strangled sigh which caused Josh to look over at him. Even in the darkness Josh could make out the small tears and feel the shaky breaths Tyler was trying to swallow. Josh placed his arm around him gently allowing him time to object but he leaned into him finally unable to fight back the pain as he let it all go sobbing into Josh's shirt. 

"I hate this. I hate this. I just want it all to stop, why can't I make it stop?" He sobbed out as he clawed at his bandages desperate to be free of them.   
Josh put his free hand over where he was scratching and shushed him quietly. 

"It's okay." He almost pressed his lips to the top of Tyler’s head before deciding against it; trying not to let his own emotions show, instead he let out a shaky "you're so strong, much stronger than me."

At some point they shifted so that they were lay in bed as they clung to one another, Tyler’s sniffles dying out as the two boys drifted off into sleep. 

When Josh woke, he checked the clock over Tyler's shoulder trying not to wake him, it was 6am. That was the first night Josh had ever had without waking multiple times throughout the night, it was also the earliest he'd ever drifted off. He looked down at Tyler sleeping peacefully in his arm. His presence was so soothing to Josh, having him in his arms had made him feel safe enough to ease his anxiety and allow him to sleep. 

Suddenly something clicked as he realised what that time meant. 

"Tyler, wake up." He rubbed Tyler's side gently so as not to wake him too violently. Tyler stirred before gasping awake as he realised where he was. 

He rubbed his eyes dazed and Josh tried to pretend waking up to this was normal and not enough to make his heart explode out of his chest. Tyler was just so handsome and it was only made better/worse by how adorably sleepy he was. 

"Run. Room checks are half 6." Josh said snapping out of his thoughts.

Tyler nodded, fumbling to his feet. He headed for the door staggering in his freshly awoke state. 

Just as he was about to open the door he turned back to look at Josh and opened his mouth as if to say something before deciding there definitely wasn't enough time to talk about what just happened. He turned around and slipped out the door instead. 

Josh stumbled into his bathroom and looked at his collection of dyes before reaching for the pink.


	8. eight

The next few days were filled with awkward glances and too close touches, hands knocking together as they walked, knuckles brushing as they kept a silent understanding that this was the closest to handholding they could get without being caught. Deliberately sitting too close to one another in the TV room so that their sides pressed together. In any room, they sought one another out, like magnets pulling them towards one another. 

They didn’t sleep in the same bed together again. Until, after yet another sleepless night threatened to pass and Josh couldn’t take it anymore. He felt the walls caving in threatening to suffocate him if he didn’t get out of the room. 

He snuck through the corridors as quietly as possible before heading to Tyler's door and gently slipping inside.

Once his eyes adjusted to the dark he could make out Tyler wrapped in a cocoon of bed sheets. His back had been to the door but at the sound of it opening he turned to see who was there. 

In the brief light the door had given Josh could see the tear tracks that streaked Tyler’s face. The look they exchanged said everything it needed to and Tyler began unwrapping himself from the sheets opening them up so that Josh could slip in. 

They lay next to each other in silence for a while, just Tyler’s soft sniffles punctuating the darkness. 

Carefully Tyler spoke up. “What happened?”

Josh stared up at the darkness hanging above them, his mind swirling. 

"It feels like I'm drowning. Like I-I can't remember how to swim and I'm just treading water desperately but I can’t stop sinking." His voice was raw with fear and Tyler immediately wrapping a soothing arm around his torso, pulling Josh into his side. 

"It's okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes." He promised, voice soft. He’d already stopped crying. 

"Can you just-" he hesitated but Tyler wiped his eyes and sniffed. His grip loosened thinking Josh wanted to ask for space, but then Josh placed a hand on his arm squeezing gently to stop him moving away. “I need you to keep holding me for- for just a second please?”

It was the most vulnerable Josh had ever seemed to Tyler and it made his heart hammer in his chest, suddenly the voices weren't taunting him anymore or if they were, he was so completely consumed by Josh's breath on his cheek and feel of the sheets moving as his chest rose and fell that everything else in the world was completely meaningless. 

Tyler nodded without a word, pulling Josh into his chest and wrapping his arms around his shoulders so he could tuck Josh’s head under his chin. Josh immediately wrapped his arms around Tyler’s waist and broke down, his whole body wracked with sobs. 

Tyler stroked his hair, whispering comforting words. Between them and the steady thrum of Tyler’s heartbeat where Josh’s head was pressed against his chest, Josh was quickly lulled to sleep. Tyler followed not long after with a soft kiss to Josh’s head. 

Josh continued to sneak into Josh’s room every night after that, both boys agreeing that it was much easier to sleep with someone beside them, with the familiar weight of the other to keep them grounded even on the nights they didn’t hold one another. On those nights, they often found that in the middle of the night Tyler would have wrapped his limbs around Josh’s clinging to him or Josh would have rolled over so that he was practically lying on top of Tyler, nuzzling into his neck while asleep.   
Sometimes there were less pleasant nights. 

Tyler began shifting and moaning as his dream grew more real and more terrifying. It woke Josh up.

Concerned, he tried to gently rouse Tyler but instead the fits got worse until Tyler was crying out in his sleep. Josh panicked, not even thinking about the fact that people might hear him and come to check on him. He placed a hand on Tyler’s cheek, his other hand firmly holding down Tyler’s arm that had been trying to claw at his chest.   
"It's not real, it's a dream Tyler. Wake up its all okay. I'm here. Wake up." Josh said firmly. 

Tyler gasped awake violently, sitting up in a panic but Josh pulled him into his chest shushing him. 

“Tyler it’s okay, it’s okay, I’m here. It wasn’t real.” He soothed as Tyler panted hard, sweat dripping down his neck. Josh loosened his grip slightly and Tyler leant back into him. 

"It was so real, he wanted me dead and I almost let him kill me." He was trembling and weak and Josh felt his heart strain at the feel of each shaky breath and every teary sniffle. He buried his head in the crook of Tyler's neck before murmuring into it just loud enough for him to hear against the darkness. 

"I'm glad you didn't." 

“What if he’s coming for me Josh?” Tyler voice was eerily quiet, laced with fear as he spoke out into the night cloaked around them. “I don't know how to do this anymore. I can't make it stop." His voice broke and something in Josh's chest broke with it. 

Josh hugged him closer shushing him. He pulled Tyler down so they were lying beside one another again. "You're not alone anymore okay, you have me. I will help you, whatever it takes, whatever you need me to do I'm here now and we're in this together." He promised. 

Tyler scrubbed a hand down his face, letting out a shaky breath. 

"You can't promise that you'll always be here. People always leave, it’s what they do." Tyler muttered bitterly. 

"Not me.” Josh had never been more sure of anything. “You're all I have to stick around for." He added, feeling a blush rise in his cheeks, thankful it was too dark for Tyler to notice. 

"You're all I have too." Tyler placed a light peck on Josh's shoulder, burying his arm underneath Josh so that he could pull him closer and rest his head on Josh's chest.   
He heard Josh's heartbeat skip at the contact making him smile. He laced their fingers together. 

“Josh, what’s your favourite movie?” He asked and Josh seemed confused by the change in conversation but he answered the question. They continued to talk about things they liked, their hopes and dreams, the first time they’d ever said half of these things aloud before. Tyler smiled as they bonded over how similar they were, and Tyler felt himself falling deeper as Josh ran soft fingertips over his fuzzy hair. Their friendship deepened too, as they finally learnt about each other as individuals. Tyler learnt that Josh really missed coffee and his drum kit and his cat, while Josh learnt that Tyler’s best friend was his brother Zack and that he wrote poetry and that his favourite food is red bull even though Josh assured him that Red Bull was not a food. 

“Yes it is! It’s like an entire food group on it’s own.” Tyler practically giggled and Josh couldn’t stop his own giddy laughs. 

They talked and talked until Josh fell asleep, head resting on Tyler’s hand still resting at the base of Tyler’s neck. Tyler smiled and traced shapes with his fingers into Josh’s chest. He was exhausted from his nightmare and eventually he drifted off too. This time he didn’t get chased by demons, instead he was in the arms of a boy with soft hazel eyes and a dimpled smile. He was safe.


	9. nine

Dr. Kemp was late to the following therapy session leaving Tyler to almost fall asleep, head propped on his fist. He was startled upright by the door opening. 

Dr. Kemp’s face looked solemn as though she'd just lost three years of sleep in the past ten minutes. Tyler looked at her with concern as she sat opposite him. 

"I have something important to talk to you about today." She began but it was like the words were stuck in her throat. "I'm trying to be sensitive because these kinds of things are risky to people in your situation and I want you to know that we're going to talk this out. I don't want you being set back by this, you're doing so good Tyler." Her hands were steady but her breathing wasn't. Tyler gripped the armrests on his chair tighter.

"It's about Ruby." Tyler’s breath caught at the familiar name. "Last night she..." There were tears forming in Dr. Kemp's eyes. "I'm so sorry to have to tell you this but you need- you deserve to know… She took her own life Tyler, she’s gone." 

The ringing in Tyler's ears grew deafening, his heart sunk like lead into his stomach. 

"You're lying." He spat, knuckles white around the arms of his chair. 

"I'm not. Tyler. I'm so sorry." Dr. Kemp discretely wiped a tear that escaped her eye. 

Tyler let out a strangled cry as he remembered the first moment he'd seen her; the first time she had shown him around; the way she would crack a joke when things got a bit too awkward; or how she would laugh when Tyler goofed around to try and cheer everyone up.

 _“I’m gonna miss you, Ty-guy.”_ The words echoed through his head. 

He sunk to his knees as he saw messy auburn locks shoved loosely in a ponytail, sad green eyes, and a cheeky smirk. 

There was a beat and then he saw nothing. The memories fell away like sand through a sieve, all gone and meaningless now. 

Dr Kemp wrapped herself around Tyler's crumpled form, rocking him gently from side to side as she trying to calm him down, to bring him back from the edge of oblivion. 

"We're going to talk this out okay, you're going to get through this Tyler, let me help you." She said and Tyler just clung onto her tighter. 

_“Look after Joshie for me? Bye Ty-Guy.”_

He felt the ghost of her lips on his cheek, watched again with a heavy heart as she walked away from him, swallowed by light, fading into nothingness. 

His therapy session was longer than usual, and it left him drained. When he left the room his face was red and blotchy but the overwhelming grief had left in a way that meant he felt nothing, just a hollowness that at this point he was grateful for. 

He was about to head to the food hall when he heard a commotion down the corridor. He heard a loud smacking sound, as though something had made contact with the wall followed by a desperate cry. 

“I failed.” He heard a familiar voice scream and Tyler walked towards the door, worry shooting its way up his veins. 

“Joshua calm down.” A steady voice replied. 

"I promised to help her!" 

There was another strangled cry and the sound of Josh’s foot kicking a metal desk leaving a dent. As Tyler peered through the crack in the door, he could see the hole in the wall and the blood dripping from Josh's knuckles. He was pacing angrily, but his therapist remained calmly sat in her own chair, watching him. 

"Josh but you tried your best, that's all she ever needed from you." Dr. Long, Josh’s therapist replied. Josh’s face was soaked with tears, his expression a mixture of despair, anger and fear. Tyler found it heart-breaking to watch and instantly felt guilty for spying. 

“I promised.” Josh’s voice was cracked and tiny, it made Tyler swallow back tears. Josh collapsed to his knees much like Tyler had done, but Dr. Long didn’t attempt to hug him like Dr. Kemp had. 

“And you kept that promise to the end Josh. She knew that, she loved you. This is not your fault."

Tyler decided he didn’t want to eavesdrop on Josh like this and began walking away. He started to head back down the corridor trying to focus on his breathing instead of listening to what was going on. 

"You don't get it. You can't. What’s the point?" Josh huffed out before storming out of the room, ignoring Dr. Long’s calls for him to come back as he slammed the door shut behind himself. 

Tyler turned around at the loud noise making eye contact as Josh spotted him down the hallway. He un-furrowed his brow at the sight of Tyler's tear stained face. Josh was breathing heavily, his shoulders shaking, his hands balled into fists; blood still dripping from his right hand. 

Tyler extended a hand out for him to walk toward which he did. When he finally reached Tyler, Tyler went to inspect his bloody hand but Josh walked past him, motioning in silence for Tyler to follow. He led Tyler back to Tyler’s own room but Tyler didn’t protest. 

When they were inside Josh flexed his split knuckles, enjoying the stinging ache, jaw twitching minutely at the jabs of pain.

Tyler took in every feature of his face, memorising everything down to the placement of each individual freckle, as he watched him. 

“Maybe we should wash this.” Tyler took Josh’s hand and guided him to the sink in his bathroom.

“She’s gone.” Josh said after some time, watching as Tyler washed his hand in the sink. 

“I know. But I’m still here.” Tyler promised, moving to dab at Josh’s hand with some tissue. “ _You’re_ still here, and I’m really proud of you for that.” Tyler said softly, placing a light kiss to the back of Josh’s hand when he’d finished cleaning it. 

Tyler stepped away then, giving Josh some space, moving to sit on his bed, moving the notebook he’d abandoned on the sheets onto the bedside table. 

Josh picked it up, looking at Tyler for permission to open it. Tyler gave a shy no, blushing as Josh began flicking through the book. He traced his fingers over the loopy writing, an awed expression on his face. 

“Okay that’s enough.” Tyler said too self-conscious, he reached out for the book but Josh moved it from his grasp so that Tyler was forced to stand flush against him. 

“Ty, these are amazing, you’re so good.” Josh smiled, his voice raising an octave in his excitement, a small smile on his face. 

Tyler felt his face heat up, but he didn’t move away, his breathing synced with Josh’s as they stared at one another. 

“Maybe you could write one for Ruby.” Josh said looking down, breaking the moment a little. Tyler frowned. 

“Maybe, it’s kinda a coping mechanism I guess, so it might help.” He said fiddling with his fingers. 

Josh looked up at him, “So it’s like how you feel writing this stuff, is how I feel with you?”

Tyler’s gaze snapped up to meet Josh’s, his breath catching. Tyler’s heart felt like it was simultaneously bogged down with water and light as a feather. 

Tyler’s mouth was inches from Josh’s "Can I-"

Josh closed the gap instantly crashing their mouths together. The kiss was insistent full of longing and relief. Tyler felt like he was going to collapse with how lightheaded and giddy it made him feel, gripping tightly to the front of Josh’s shirt to support himself. Josh pulled away and rested his forehead against Tyler's, both a little short of breath. 

Josh moved back as if to leave but Tyler reached out, latching his fingers into Josh’s blue stained hair. He kissed Josh much slower this time, his grip was hard and desperate; he'd almost certainly have blue stains on his hands but he didn't care. 

For the first time in months, Tyler was home. 

And so was Josh.


	10. ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// mentions of self-harm scars, anxiety about showing people said scars, mentions of nausea etc please please please take care reading this is could be pretty heavy

"I think you're ready to take these off for good." The doctor said, smiling thinly, as though aware of the thickness of the ice he was treading. 

He began cutting off the bandages, the cool air a relief to Tyler's sticky forearms. He'd longed for the bandages to be removed for so long but now that he was looking down at the thick scars that were still pink and raised and he felt sick.

The doctor went about removing the stitches next, Tyler looked away squeamishly. He felt like he could still see them even after they’d remove and it filled his throat with bile. _Ugly_.

He desperately reached for his hoodie but the doctor told him he needed to let them air properly for a few hours before he should cover them. Tyler considered begging for more bandages, more time, but he knew it was pointless. Dr. Kemp would only hear about it and try to make him do exercises about how to "love yourself". 

He left the doctor’s office with his head bowed in anxiety and shame, staring at his shaking forearms and taking in the nasty jagged lines than ran across and along his veins. On reflex, he began walking to the TV room where he knew Josh was waiting for him but he stopped himself short, turning and heading for his bedroom instead. 

He couldn't let Josh see his arms he'd never look at him the same. No one ever looked at him the same once they'd seen his scars, not his mother or father or siblings, not even this doctor or Dr. Kemp could see him the same after seeing the monstrous act he'd performed on himself. He felt like he was both Frankenstein and the monster. He was petrified of who he had become. 

Tyler lay on his bed with a heavy sigh, he tried desperately to think about anything other than the dull itch in his arms. He was in agony.

When Tyler didn't show up, Josh got worried. He pulled nervously on a long strand of his hair, covering his fingers in green. He bit his lip and shook his leg. He’d sat through a good portion of Ratatouille waiting for Tyler and even if he wasn’t worried about Tyler he had no intention of sticking around when he saw the monitor switching the DVD for Toy Story, yet _again_. He got up and went in search of Tyler, figuring the doctor’s office might be the first place to start. 

When he reached the office, he saw another kid leaving which told him Tyler had already finished there. Immediately Josh made his way to Tyler’s room. 

He knocked on the door but there was no answer at first, he knocked again a bit harder, something in his gut telling him Tyler was in there.

"Tyler it's me, Josh." He said softly through the wood.

"Go away." Tyler voice was raspy and broken and Josh was startled by the response. He knew something was wrong so he ignored the command and opened the door cautiously. 

Tyler immediately rolled away so that his arms were tucked out of Josh's sight. He didn't turn to look at Josh. "Just leave me alone, please." He mumbled into the pillow. 

"No, I'm not leaving you while you're like this." Josh replied approaching him. Tyler shuffled further into the corner of his bed, squeezing his eyes shut to stop silent tears from escaping. 

"Please." Tyler tried again through gritted teeth.

"What's wrong? Please, talk to me?" Josh reached out to touch Tyler's shoulder but Tyler shook him off. Josh couldn’t hide the hurt. 

"I-I can't do this right now. You can't- I don't want you to- just leave me alone." Tyler pleaded. 

"You don't want me to what? Tyler what happened with the doctor?" Josh sat down beside Tyler, proving that he wasn’t going anywhere. 

"I just-" he took a deep breath frustration crawling through his skull. "I don't want you to see me like this. _Please_." 

“Tyler, I don’t care, I want to see every side of you, even the ones you hate.” Josh careful rubbed a hand soothingly up and down Tyler’s back. He didn’t flinch away like last time, but instead turned his head to finally look at Josh, eyes brimming with tears. 

"You'll look at me differently. Everyone always does and I can't bare it. I can't bear the thought of you not liking what you see." Tyler said, closing his eyes as tears spilled silently down his cheeks. Josh gently brushed them away with his knuckles. 

Josh gave Tyler the familiar stare that said he'd already seen right through him and he knew everything he needed to. It made a feeling of warmth spread through Tyler and he visibly relaxed as let the feeling of safety wash over him. 

But the anxiety of losing that safety was enough to cripple him.

"Let me see." Josh said calmly, backing off slightly to give Tyler space to go at whatever pace he wanted. Tyler blinked up at him. "I told you, you're all I have, I'm not losing that now. I'll wait here until you're ready, even if it takes 50 years."

Tyler felt like the whole room was spinning but Josh remained still, pulling him in like a lighthouse guiding a ship in a storm.

He sat up, making sure his arms were out of sight, sitting so he was facing Josh, their criss-crossed legs pressed together at the knees. 

His throat was so dry he almost didn't get the words out, but he muttered a simple, “close your eyes”. Josh shut his eyes immediately, their faces inches apart so that Josh could feel Tyler’s breath on his cheek. Tyler hesitated, sure he was about to pass out. "Don't move."

Tyler latched his fingers into Josh’s hair, tugging him in for a kiss. Now he could breathe because didn't need oxygen anymore; Josh was enough. Tyler cherished it, certain it would be the last moment they ever spent together like this. Tyler’s fingers were covered in green, the marks on his arms completely forgotten, as Josh opened his mouth deepening the kiss. Anxiety jolted along his arms as Josh ran his hands along the backs of them and he pulled away, needing to catch his breath. No longer able to get lost in the feel of Josh’s mouth. 

As he pulled away Josh kept his eyes closed, but he held onto Tyler’s wrists, keeping them in his lap. He squeezed them comfortingly and Tyler managed to find the strength to croak out, “you can-” his voice too weak to continue but Josh nodded showing he understood. 

Slowly he opened his eyes, looking straight ahead and into Tyler’s own, holding eye contact for the longest time to build trust. 

After a minute or two he carefully turned Tyler’s arms over, slowly trailing his gaze down towards Tyler’s outstretched forearms. 

Tyler trembled, his heart rate thumping loudly in his ears. _This is it, he'll never look at me the same again._

Josh gaze finally fell onto the raised bits of skin. He took them in one by one and then ever so lightly went to trace his thumbs alongside them. Tyler felt like he was being strangled but he tried his hardest not to snatch his arms away.

Josh looked back up at him his face, his face was unreadable but his eyes were still soft and non-judgemental.

“Still beautiful.” He said bring Tyler’s arm up to his mouth and planting a light kiss on a particularly nasty gash, before peppering them up his arm.

Tyler thought that his heart might burst and he did everything he could not to cry. He pulled on the back of Josh’s hair with his free hand to get his lips to find their way back to his. Tyler’s fingertips leaving green stains all over Josh’s neck as he grabbed desperately trying to press their bodies as close together as possible. Josh laughed against his lips at Tyler’s aggression, pushing forward so that he ended up lay on top of Tyler which made Tyler much happier. They continued to kiss, Josh kissing away soft tears that spilled from Tyler’s eyes, but from the fullness in his heart not fear like before. Tyler realised that this was what love felt like, what it was to b _feel_ loved and it only spurred him to kiss all over Josh’s face, making Josh’s eyes crinkle and laughed bubble up his chest, the vibrations sending tingles all through Tyler. He could get used to this feeling, he decided.


	11. eleven

Dr. Long patiently listened to Josh talk about Tyler for the fourth time this session, and as he did most sessions recently. She made a small note in his file, before looking up at him. 

“Joshua, you do remember the rules on patient relationships, don’t you?”

Josh simply glared at her. “There’s nothing going on between us.” He lied. 

"Good. keep it that way." 

He rolled his eyes at that causing Dr. Long to huff and scribble something else down. 

"I mean it Joshua. End it before anything even starts." She continued. 

Josh studied her face, causing her to shift uncomfortably under his gaze. She was more than aware of his talent for reading people, and combined with his gentle heart she knew he was gifted to help others. She’d encouraged him to consider a career as a therapist if he ever got out of the facility and graduated high school, he didn’t really want to . 

"Someone told you there was something going on, didn't they?" Josh’s eyes narrowed. 

"That's irrelevant." Dr. Long sighed, looking back down to her notes. 

" _Bullshit_." Josh was already listing off all the potential suspects in his mind, one face coming to mind immediately.

Dr. Long’s head snapped up at the swear word, scowling but letting it slide. “It isn’t, if there’s nothing going on.” She replied sternly, jaw tightening. 

The two stared each other down for a while, Dr. Long used to dealing with Josh’s stubbornness, not easily giving in. She chose a gentler tactic instead. 

"Look, I know that if there was- is anything between you two, that your heart is in the right place.” She sighed. “But Tyler is still very new here, and fragile. Because of how long you’ve been here, he would be the one sent away if this blew up. I don't know if he's strong enough to handle being moved, do you? Especially after recent events…” She trailed off as Josh shifted uncomfortably, finally breaking eye contact.

“Yeah, I got it.” He mumbled bitterly, sniffing and burying his face into the neck of his hoodie. It was actually Tyler’s. The pair noticing that they both owned similar plain black hoodies decided to swap, finding the way they smelled like the other comforting, and knowing that no one would even notice. He ignored the ache in his chest.   
After his therapy session, he went straight to the food hall. Tyler smiled up at him as he saw him approach, but it fell when he realised how angry Josh was. 

Josh walked straight past where Tyler was sat, charging towards another table nearby where Jonny sat, laughing about something with whoever was sat beside him. 

“You snake.” Josh shoved Johnny so hard he fell backwards on to the cold floor with a hard thud. A few people stood up and shouted. Tyler immediately rushed over to stop Josh, as did the monitors on duty.

"Stay out of things you can't understand." Josh snapped as he looked down at Jonny. Tyler stood between them, his hands up. 

“It’s not worth it Josh.” Tyler warned desperately but Josh refused to make eye contact with him. Josh shoved off the monitor that was holding him back before turning to leave. 

"Yeah that's right listen to your boyfriend." Johnny spat as he was helped back onto his feet.

Josh's surged forward so fast no one even had time to process what was happening. No one could stop There was a distinct cracking sound and then Johnny hit the floor, blood instantly gushing from his face.

The monitors immediately grabbed Josh and dragged him out of the room, he didn’t even seem to fight them. Tyler tried to follow them but another one stopped him and told him to sit down and finish his food. 

Tyler huffed but did as he was told. He ignored the filthy look Johnny gave him as he was escorted out the room. He was confused why Josh had suddenly attacked Johnny but he knew that it was probably linked to what Johnny had said. He understood better when Dr. Kemp warned him of the rules on patient relationships at his therapy session. 

Josh didn’t visit Tyler’s room after lights out as usual and Tyler felt too worried about him to try to sleep. Sighing he got out of bed and carefully snuck over to Josh’s door.   
He tried the handle but the door was locked, he frowned.

"Josh" He whispered through the wood. He rested his forehead against the cool white surface hearing a small shuffle by the door, he could tell Josh must've been sat against it. He remembered his first day here when they'd explained that you'll be locked in if you abuse their trust.

“It’s Tyler.” He said softly, hoping it was loud enough for Josh to hear. 

On the other side of the door, Josh sat with his knees tucked under his chin, trying his best to hold back tears. 

"Hey, Josh." Tyler said again, muffled by the thick wood. 

Josh took a jagged breath willing the dark, and the ringing sound that the quiet of night always brings, away.

"I love you." Tyler whispered, a weight dropping in his stomach, his head was still resting against the door and he had no clue if Josh could even hear him but he needed to say it. Just in case. "Goodnight." He added after a long pause, sighing and heading back to his own room before he could get caught.

Josh could almost feel the weight of Tyler leave the door he was pressed up against. He pushed his head back in frustration with a thump. Silent tears flowing freely now. Josh pulled his knees impossibly closer, letting everything go until his eyes would no longer hold themselves open. The shadows surrounding him dragging him from reality into the pitch-black vastness of dreamless slumber.


	12. twelve

Josh had been distant ever since his incident with Johnny. He had lost most of his privileges for the week so he couldn’t spend much time with Tyler outside of meals. Even at meals he seemed distracted. It was like he was far away and every time Tyler tried to reach out it only made him realise the distance was further than he initially thought. Tyler missed him, he missed the smell of him on his pillow, the weight of his body pressed against his when they slept, the way the slight stubble on his face scratched at his cheek when they kissed, which they hadn't done in a long time. He’d been wearing Josh’s hoodie non-stop just to try and make the time apart bearable but now it smelled too much like himself and not Josh, it seemed pointless. 

Tyler sighed as he looks down at the blue smudge on the edge of his sink from where'd he'd spent ten minutes scrubbing the hair dye off his hands after a particularly good make out session. He put his fingers to his lips at the happy memory. 

Ignoring the large bags under his eyes he attempted to fix his hair before doing up the top button of his shirt. He felt strange, like a shell of a man, like he was some other kind of being dressing up and playing the part of a human.

There was a light knock on the door and Tyler came out of the bathroom to see Dr. Kemp walk in, he tried to hide the disappointment in his face that she wasn't Josh. 

"You look very handsome, Tyler." She smiled sadly at the sight of him in his suit. 

There was an uneasy silence as the two of them just stared at one another before Dr. Kemp suddenly remembered why she had come into his room. She looked at the items in her hands. 

"Here. I brought your shoes, a tie and a belt." She handed them over to Tyler who took the belt and slipped it through the loops in his black suit trousers. He quickly sat down to lace up the dress shoes Dr. Kemp had provided. He stood up again fumbling with his shirt collar, causing Dr. Kemp to step closer and begin tying the black tie around his neck for him. She smiled up at him.

"Do you want me to get you a razor so you can shave?" She pushed her glasses up her nose as she studied the small amount of stubble that had grown over his time in the facility. He shook his head. He’d been offered the ability to have a supervised shave every week since he arrived but he decided his facial hair didn’t grow enough for him to see a point. 

The exhaustion on Tyler’s face was evident causing Dr. Kemp to be concerned. "You don't have to do this, you know? Ruby would understand." She placed a gentle hand on his shoulder for comfort. 

"No, I want to." Tyler replied. His voice was weak from lack of use but remained determined. 

"Come on then." Dr. Kemp gave him one more sad, supportive smile before guiding him out of the room. 

As they approached the front of the facility, Tyler realised he'd not been near the lobby since he had arrived. He winced as he remembered Ruby walking away from him towards the entrance. Just then the image of Ruby merged with someone else walking down the corridor a little ahead of him. 

Josh’s hair was a vibrant red, his face solemn as he stood bickering with Dr. Long, he was tugging on his tie uncomfortably. Tyler's breath caught at the sight of him in a suit, he looked even more beautiful than usual. Tyler pretended to ignore the way Dr. Long looked stressed and flustered, pretending not to notice the small argument. 

Both doctors signed some paperwork before rounding everyone up. Johnny shuffled uncomfortably in his suit, and watching him made Tyler pull at his collar. Two other girls -one who had clearly been crying- stood comforting each other, they had always sat with Ruby at meals. Another boy and girl arrived with a monitor in time for them all to be directed outside to a mini-bus.

As Tyler walked down the aisle of the bus he felt a hand reach out and tug on his sleeve, startled Tyler awkwardly fell into the seat beside the person. Josh kept his gaze out the window, refusing to make eye contact with Tyler no matter how much he tried. Josh rested his head against the glass, reaching down to latch his fingers with Tyler’s. 

Tyler opened his mouth to ask if Josh was alright but he knew it was a stupid question so dismissed it. He looked down at their intertwined fingers, fidgeting with his sleeve with his free hand to distract himself. 

Josh gently squeezed Tyler’s hand, finally looking over at him. Tyler’s heart skipped but he refused to look up, simply squeezing Josh’s hand back tightly. Josh checked that no one was looking at them before reaching up to press a gentle kiss to Tyler’s forehead quickly. 

Tyler blushed, relief flooding through him at the tender brush of lips to his skin. It made him hopeful that Josh might return the feelings he’d confessed the other night. 

The two boys separated as they all filed off the bus and into the church, sitting pressed up against one another in the pews. The funeral was beautiful and sad, Tyler and Josh going through the motions with a detached numbness. They’d already cried all their tears already. 

Once they coffin had been lowered into the ground, all of Ruby's outside friends and family filed out, heading to the wake. Ruby’s mother thanking them solemnly for coming on their way out. 

"I'm sorry I had to meet Ruby under such sad circumstances. But please know that we both cared about your daughter a lot." Josh said gesturing to both he and Tyler, who nodded.

"Thank you." She spoke through tears, placing her hand on Josh's face soothingly, a weak smile forming. "She's smiling down on us today; I just know she'd be so grateful."

Josh nodded as she dropped her hands and walked away. She leant heavily on her husband’s arm as she walked, the sight made Tyler’s heart feel heavy. 

Once they were out the way Tyler turned to see Josh had gone back to standing over the grave plot, unfocused eyes watching as two men began filling it with dirt. 

After a minute Tyler spoke up. "Why red?"

Josh finally tore his eyes away from the grave. "Ruby hated red, she told me when once if people wore red to her funeral she’d come back just to haunt them. I don't know I just thought it might work." He laughed as he wiped his nose, Tyler hadn't noticed until then how close to tears he had been. Tyler let out a light chuckle, the two of them letting small laughter overcome them for a second. 

“She loved you Josh.” Tyler promised as their smiles fell. Josh nodded and went back to staring at the grave. Tyler could see how hard he was holding back his emotions, expecting that the sadness was most likely eating him alive. He reached his hand out to intertwine their fingers. Josh allowed it at first but then quickly broke away, beginning to walk back to where everyone was being rounded up. 

Tyler stared after him, feeling as though he’d been punched in the gut. When Josh realised Tyler wasn’t following he turned to look at him, his heart ached at the look of hurt on Tyler’s face. It was like kicking a puppy and Josh just wanted to hold him, but he knew how closely they were being watched. 

“Come on.” He said softly, hoping his tone was enough to comfort Tyler. Tyler’s expression shifted to something unreadable, but he started walking nonetheless.


	13. thirteen

Once they returned to the bus, Josh sat next to Tyler again. Tyler stared at him, as though desperately trying to read something in an unfamiliar language. 

"Sorry." Josh mumbled as he sunk back in his seat. Tyler almost didn't catch it if it weren't for him resting his head on Tyler's shoulder. Tyler tensed at the contact, palms sweating. Josh’s eyes darted to the front of the vehicle before he began playing with Tyler’s fingers.  

Josh fell asleep a few minutes after that. Tyler watching over him, chest swelling. He’d missed this so much, the feeling of safety and harmony that always just swept right through him like a cool breeze on a hot day. Tyler took in every freckle and wrinkle and scratch on Josh’s face. He knew the exact way his chest rose and fell as he slept; open mouthed. Sometimes he smiled in his sleep, when Tyler first noticed that detail he had to do everything he could not to kiss him. As Dr. Kemp walked down the bus to check on everyone, Tyler quickly darted his attention out the window, avoiding eye contact. She eyed Josh asleep on Tyler's shoulder suspiciously but said nothing and returned to her seat at the front of the bus. 

Tyler gently nudged Josh awake when they made it back to the facility. He looked up at Tyler guiltily before getting up and walking off the bus. 

Everyone was stopped before they could go back inside, shoes, belts and ties confiscated before quickly being patted down. Josh was finished before Tyler but instead of running off he stood opposite him, holding eye contact with Tyler, anchoring him. He knew Tyler hated being pat down and he was there to make him feel safe, Tyler wanted to cry. 

When he was done, Josh walked inside the building and Tyler was about to follow when he noticed Dr. Kemp giving him an odd look. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked worriedly. 

"Nothing. Just some of Josh's hair dye is on your collar. I'm sure it will wash out." She replied with a small smile. 

Tyler flushed pink and stammered something about needing to go inside before practically running through the front door. 

Once inside, he found Josh hovering as soon as Tyler saw him he began walking to his room, Tyler following behind. Tyler suddenly felt nervous as they entered Josh’s room, but he wasn’t sure why. 

“Are we- We’re okay, right?” Tyler stammered out as he sat beside Josh on his bed. 

“Of course.” Josh promised, holding Tyler’s hand in his. 

"Is it- is it because-" Tyler couldn't even finish the sentence without pain forming in his voice. He hated this feeling. 

"What?" Josh searched Tyler’s eyes for the rest of the sentence, dreading what he was about to say. Josh’s heart was going a mile a minute. This boy was like a china doll, so beautiful but so fragile and he knew that whatever move he made next could be the one to shatter him. His heart almost gave out from the pain of the thought of losing Tyler. 

"I told you. Everybody is the same. They never like me the same after-" Tyler trailed off, the words stuck like a lump in his throat. He thought he might choke on them. 

"No." Josh said firmly, he put his hand on the back of Tyler's neck to force him to look him in the eye. "Don't ever think that. Don't you dare." 

Tyler closed the gap kissing him slowly, but josh pulled back slightly. Tyler followed however, kissing him again, passionately this time. Josh reciprocated. Tyler's hands caught up in Josh's hair; red smearing all over his white sleeves. Their bodies pressed together. Josh pulled away more firmly this time, his hands on Tyler's chest to keep him at a distance, both panting furiously.

"I love you." Tyler breathed out. 

Josh pulled away instantly, startling Tyler. He got up from the bed, pacing in front of Tyler, before turning back to face him. “You don’t really mean that.”

"What do you mean?" Tyler replied confused and somewhat humiliated. 

"I'm not good for you Tyler. I shouldn't - you can't love me." Josh put his hands on his hips as he stopped pacing, a little out of breath. 

"You know that's not true, why are you saying this?" Tyler was hurt and tired and quite frankly, pissed off and he could no longer hide it. 

“We can’t do this.” Josh’s whole body was shaking. 

“Can’t do what? Be together? Or love each other? Because yeah we don’t have to be together but that won’t stop me loving you, it’s too late for that.” Tyler got up, taking Josh’s hands in his loosely. "There's no one else i care about as much as you Josh, you must know that. I don't care about anyone else." Josh ran his hands over his eyes as Tyler spoke.

“Tyler you can’t-”

“What’s wrong Josh?” Tyler cut him off, frustrated. 

“You can’t love me Tyler.” Josh groaned, trying to remove his hands from Tyler’s but Tyler clung tighter, holding him in place. 

“Stop saying that, stop invalidating my feelings Josh. They’re real okay?” Tyler said angrily, hurt eyes searching Josh’s. 

“They can’t be because-because…” Josh couldn’t finish his sentence. His voice rising slightly to meet Tyler’s.

“Because what Josh? What?” Tyler snapped. 

"Because _I_ love you too." Josh shouted back frustrated. He immediately realised what he had done and stepped back in shock.

"I- I can't do this." Josh fumbled, the tears had already crept into his vision -surrounding a shocked Tyler with a blurry border. He willed the whole situation away but what he'd said hung in the air like humidity. Tyler took a step forward but Josh moved back in reaction. 

They stood in silence staring at one another, both blurry eyed, breathing laboured. Tyler’s heart was threatening to throw itself out of his chest. 

"I meant what I said, I'm not good for you Tyler.” Josh resolved. “But that doesn't mean I don't-" He took a deep breath, " _love_ you."

"You- you do?" Hearing the words again -when they weren't being shouted in the heat of an argument- made his heart start hammering in my chest.

Their faces were so close to one another, their bodies practically pressed together. Tyler's eyes flicked to Josh lips for a second.

"Then be with me. I don't care what you think is good for me." He said almost angrily. "I love you. I-I want you." He blushed at the last bit and that was it for Josh. He bit his lip as he saw Josh's gaze shift between his eyes and his mouth.

Josh put his hand on the back of Tyler's neck and guided Tyler's lips onto his own. Almost instantly Tyler put his hands in Josh's hair tugging on the red tufts pressing his body desperately against Josh causing them to stumble backwards falling on to the bed. Laughing giddily. 

That night Tyler lay staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. He flinched when he felt Josh absentmindedly roll over in his sleep and place his arm over him. Tyler relaxed again when Josh nestled his head in the crook of Tyler's neck, a warm familiarity washing over him.

He turned his head awkwardly so that he was just able to place a light kiss onto Josh’s forehead. The gesture stirred Josh causing him to mumble out a soft, "Love you."

Tyler's heart skipped, this was Josh at his most vulnerable, his guard completely down and those were the words on his mind. Tyler closed his eyes. Tyler fell asleep surprisingly fast after that, considering how fast his heart was beating.


	14. fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updates on this should be more frequent bc its just a matter of heavily editting/re-writing stuff ive already written and i haven't got anything like school to distract me so hopefully updates will be daily but i cant 100% guarantee it :)

"I know that Ruby's funeral can't have been easy for you.” Dr. Kemp said softly as she shuffled the papers in her lap. Tyler shifted awkwardly in his seat. “Do you want to talk about that?” She pressed but Tyler shook his head. 

“Maybe we could talk about something you want to talk about hm? Visitors day is coming up, are you excited to see your family?” The doctor tried again. 

Tyler took a deep breath; he couldn’t find it in himself to be excited for anything right now. The sadness hollowed out his skull, it sat on his chest like a lead weight when he lay down at night, when he closed his eyes he practically saw it lurking behind eyelids; a constant reminder that he was miserable no matter what he did. 

He’d be so happy with Josh, but then even that wasn’t enough to keep the darkness back all the time, it still found cracks and peepholes to creep through and mess everything up. 

"You can't love someone's problems away." Tyler mumbled under his breath.

"What was that?" Dr. Kemp was visibly startled by Tyler actively using his voice for the first time since the session had begun, almost half an hour ago. Thrown off by the statement because it didn’t follow from her prompts. 

"Nothing." Tyler mumbled once again, looking down at his hands as he played with his sleeves.

Dr. Kemp sat back in her chair with a slight sigh. "You're right."

Tyler looked up at her confused before she continued, "You can't just get rid of a person's problems just by loving them."

Tyler slumped back into his chair. hearing someone else say the words only further cementing the reality in his mind.

"But..." Dr. Kemp began cautiously, "You can love them despite their problems, you can be there for them and care for them and help them overcome those problems, even if it takes time and -on their part- some kind of cooperation." She looked pointedly at Tyler as she said the last bit, causing him to huff. The words hit him like bullets but he was doing his best to apply pressure to the wounds for fear he would spill out in front of her if he didn't.

"I can't talk to you." he dismissed.

"Right." She sat forward in her seat. "And why is that?" She quirked an eyebrow.

Because you'd tell someone. He thought frustrated, clenching his fists in his sleeves. Choosing instead he looked out the window.

"Tyler, as your therapist, everything we say in this room is confidential unless I feel that you are in danger, then I have to tell whoever I feel is necessary to help you." Dr. Kemp almost considered putting her hand on Tyler for reassurance but thought better of it.

"So, you can't tell anyone what I say?" He spoke cautiously, wary of what he gave away in case she was lying.

"I know this is to do with Josh, Tyler. I have a PhD in psychology I think I know when two people are in love." Tyler's jaw fell slack at her bluntness.

He tried to speak but words failed him. Finally, he sputtered out an unconvincing denial before adding, "Whatever, it doesn’t matter. Relationships between patients was against the rules anyway." 

Dr. Kemp tried to retain her stony professionalism but she couldn't help but chuckle slightly to herself at the shade of red Tyler had turned.

"It’s discouraged, not against the rules. We try to make you think it's against the rules for your own safety. It's not usually a good idea because most people here are self-destructive and that's not a healthy attitude to bring into a relationship, ever. But I’ve seen you two together, you're not in it for yourselves, you're in it for each other." At the hurt in Tyler's eyes she immediately froze, back-tracking. "Of course that's just my opinion but I know that you’ve both made immense progress since you grew closer. Josh hadn’t made any progress in months before you arrived Tyler, you really help him."

Silence hung thick in the air as Tyler tried everything to gather his strength and hold it together.

"I- I" he squeezed his eyes shut, willing the tears away. He hated seeming emotional. He took a shuddery breath, "I love him." Dr. Kemp offered him a tissue but he refused it. She nodded in reassurance, giving him the green light to keep talking. "When we're together it's like, the voices just stop, it doesn't matter how crappy I feel his happiness is more important. I'm not scared when I know he's beside me." Tyler trailed off embarrassed. 

“That can be good, but ignoring the problem doesn’t solve it.” Dr. Kemp replied warily. 

“I-I know, and now even when I’m with him the sadness can still get to me b-but…” Tyler rubbed a hand down his face. “He makes me want to fight it, like I have a purpose and it’s him.” 

“Purpose is a really powerful thing, finding one for yourself is really good Tyler.” Dr. Kemp promised and Tyler felt relief settle in his chest. Maybe he was doing better than he thought.


	15. fifteen

Tyler smoothed the collar of his shirt over the top of his black jumper. He shook his head, the memory of his dream last night resurfacing as he looked at himself in the mirror.

Black shadows crept up his arms and his neck constricting his breathing as they spread painfully across his body; until the darkness consumed him. His eyes had turned red as a deep voice that sounded eerily like his own, they seemed to come out of his own mouth as it moved without his control, told him he was nothing. 

Tyler shuddered violently gripping the sink, twitching his head. He scratched at his neck trying to move the collar so he could breathe properly. 

"Come on, you can do this." He took a sharp breath in through his nose as he splashed some water on his face.

His first visitor day was already off to a shaky start, and he knew there was no way his mother wouldn’t worry herself silly if she saw him like this. Dr. Kemp had told him last week that she had called his mother and told her he was ready to see her again, but he wasn’t entirely confident in that. 

Tyler had done everything he could not to have a panic attack at the time and as he walked down the long corridor towards the lobby, he couldn't be sure he wasn't going to have another. 

Dotted around the facility were other patients with family members or friends Tyler had never seen before. Some looked excited or happy; others looked awkward or like they were in pain. Tyler's whole body began to shake with nerves, he hadn't been allowed to speak to his family since they'd left him in this place. 

He saw his youngest brother Jay first, he shouted Tyler's name startling the rest of his party. He had been about to run to his big brother when Zack grabbed his arm stopping him, his face full of concern. 

Tyler attempted a weak smile as he finally reached his family. His mother immediately pulled him into her chest trying to hold back her tears. Tyler wasn't sure if it was just the intensity of the hug that made him feel like he couldn't breathe. 

As soon as his mother let him go, Maddie pounced on him, Jay joined the hug and they pulled a somewhat reluctant Zack in so that Tyler was surrounded. Tyler took a jagged breath squeezing his eyes shut to stop the tears prickling at his eyes. 

"How have you been? Are you doing okay? They say you're making improvements? Are they treating you okay? Are you eating enough, you look healthier-” 

" _Mom_." Maddie hissed at the constant flurry of questions. 

"It's okay." Tyler reassured everyone. "I'm doing okay, promise." 

He tried to sound positive but they all gave him a sceptical look. "Where's dad?" Tyler asked his brow furrowed. Suddenly no one could look him in the eye.

"I'm sorry sweetie, he's working. He did try but he just couldn't get the time off." His mother said with a sad smile. 

Tyler pretended to forget that his father was a principal at a school and that it was a Saturday, in the hopes that the excuse was legitimate. 

"Can we see your room?" Jay piped up suddenly, excited.  Making Tyler ruffle his hair and fake a smile. 

"Sure thing bud." Tyler said as he led his family on a small tour around the facility. 

"This is the TV room." Tyler said leading them into the room. His voice trailed off slightly as he saw Josh sat in the corner with a woman that looked just like him and a younger girl. The younger had long red hair and a hint of similar features. She was pretty, like Josh. He knew she must be one of the sisters Josh had told him about.   
“Josh, sorry no one else could make it. It's just Abby has the wedding to plan and Dad's working and-" Josh’s mother sighed heavily taking Josh's hands in her own. "We love you so much, and we're so proud of you for making so much progress okay honey?” She promised squeezing his hands as Ashley nodded in agreement.   
Josh feigned a smile, trying to pretend like he wasn't miserable seventy percent of the time. The pressure in his chest lifted when he glanced up and spotted Tyler entering the room, maybe thanks to him it was more like fifty percent. Both boys blushed as they made eye contact, ducking their heads embarrassed. 

"Who's that?" Maddie followed Tyler’s blushing gaze over to Josh as she pulled out a chair. All of them sitting around one of the small tables at the back of the room. 

Tyler was facing towards the corner where Josh sat and he couldn't help but stare at Josh now and then; he looked troubled. 

He suddenly remembered his sister had asked him a question and snapped his attention back to his family. "What?" 

“I said who’s the guy you’re staring at?” Maddie raised her eyebrows. Everyone stared at Tyler expectantly, a blush creeping its way up Tyler’s neck. 

"His name is Josh, he's pretty cool." Tyler tried to sound casual but failed. 

"Why’s his hair pink?" Zack asked a mild look of disgust on his face. 

Tyler launched into a small explanation about why Josh colours his hair every morning, rambling slightly. He trailed off shyly when he saw a knowing look on Maddie's face, mumbling an apology.

"He seems lovely, Ty." His mother said somewhat hesitantly placing a hand on Tyler's. Tyler did everything he could not to yank his own hands away, uncomfortable at the contact.

As his siblings began bickering about something, Tyler couldn't help but let his mind wander thinking about Josh's choice of hair colour. He’d only ever seen Josh use it twice; firstly, the day after they'd fallen asleep in Josh's bed and secondly, the day after their first kiss. Tyler’s stomach fluttered at the memory, but the current expression on Josh's face said he was far from feeling any of the emotions Tyler hoped were associated with those two events. 

Tyler was distracted from his thoughts by his mother asking some more questions about the place. He tried his best to answer them but he was already exhausted and they'd only been visiting him for a few hours at most. He sighed and tried to force himself to function properly, forgetting how draining socialising was, given it was never like this with Josh, he never had to force the conversation or his happiness around him. 

“When’s lunch?” Jay whined and Zack told him to shut up. In the chaos of the small fight that broke out between his two brothers Tyler missed Josh and his family getting up and leaving the room. 

“Lunch is in half an hour Jay.” Tyler said once his mother had snapped at both boys to stop showing her up, and to behave. This was going to be a long day for Tyler realised.


	16. sixteen

On the way to the food hall Tyler and his family bumped into the Duns just outside. Tyler and broke away from his family to approach Josh. 

“Hey.”

"Hi." Josh replied as they smiled at one another. He suddenly remembered his family beside him. "Tyler this is my sister Ashley, and my mom, mom, Ashley this is my-" he didn't know what word was most appropriate- friend felt like a lie but he wasn't exactly able to call Tyler anything more. He settled on his name. "Tyler." 

"He's your Tyler, now is he?" Ashley teased, causing a shaky laugh from Josh who blushed. His mother eyed him with a knowing smile. 

Tyler smiled, "That's me." He hoped that his family didn't hear the last bit. 

Ashley laughed as Josh's mouth fell slack. 

"I like him." Ashley smiled. 

“Lovely to meet you Tyler, I’m Laura.” Josh mom said stepping forward to shake his hand. He hoped she couldn’t tell how much he was shaking. At the sight of another parent Tyler’s family came over to join him. 

"Hi." Maddie smiled politely. 

Tyler awkwardly introduced Josh and his family to his own as people exchanged handshakes and greetings. 

"Why don't you sit with us, Tyler's told us a lot about you." Tyler’s mother suggested, immediately hitting it off with Laura in that way all moms seem to do.  

They all sat at a large table, occasionally Maddy would make small talk with Ashley trying to get to know her. While their moms talked across the table. 

Josh sat next to Tyler, anxiously picking at his food. Tyler slid his hand under the table to link with Josh’s squeezing his fingers comfortingly. His breath caught slightly when Josh squeezed back, holding their hands there. 

Tyler only tore his eyes away from Josh when Zack started to talk about how the basketball team wasn't the same without him. He felt a pang of sorrow at the mention of his school and his teammates, he squeezed Josh's hand again by reflex. 

"Maybe they could come with us next time." Zack suggested of some of Tyler's teammates, Tyler felt panic rise in his chest. His mother gave Zack a stern look. 

"You- you told them I was here?" Tyler felt like he would choke on the words. 

"No. They think you're at a training camp for college." Zack trailed off realising that his friends wouldn't realistically be able to visit. 

"Speaking of-" Maddy began but Zack kicked her under the table causing the two to bicker. Tyler pretended not to notice they were obviously holding something back from his knowledge. 

"Not here." Mrs Joseph said sternly, apologising to Josh’s family for her boisterous children. Laura Dun simply chuckled and launched into an explanation about her own experiences raising four kids.

After a while of idle chatter Tyler's mom turned to look at him, he loosened his grip on Josh out of fear he’d get caught. "They said that if today went well then next time we might be allowed to bring a friend or something." 

His mother smiled in a way that said _‘isn’t that nice’_ once she’d finished speaking. She searched his face for a reaction, obviously treading cautiously. 

Tyler panicked at the thought of someone outside of his family knowing he was here. He already felt like he didn't belong, he didn't know if he could cope with people thinking he was a freak just because they didn't understand. 

"Perhaps, we could bring Jenna?" His mother suggested. 

Tyler's hand fell slack against Josh's at the name drop. Josh tried not to notice the effect the name had on Tyler, forcing himself not to read into the situation.  

"She's worried about you." Maddy spoke up. "I thought you and her were close." 

"We are- I mean" Tyler babbled. 

Josh let go of Tyler's hand before turning his attention to his sister. 

"She's my friend sure but I don't want to see her, not here." Tyler continued as he fought the feeling of the walls closing in. He gripped the table, trying to calm himself. 

"Okay. It's okay." His mom said trying to soothe him. "We won't ask her to come, we'll tell her you're doing well and that you're missing her." Tyler gave a small nod, finally taking in some air as relief washed over him. 

"Excuse me," Laura spoke up. "It was lovely meeting you but we have to get going now." As she got up she repeated how nice it was meet everyone, telling Tyler she would probably see him again. Josh and Ashley smiled at Tyler’s family politely before they all headed out of the food hall. 

"So what's really going on?" Zack asked quietly utilising the fact that their mother was distracted by Jay knocking his drink all over the table. Tyler jumped at how close his brother had suddenly become, distracted by Josh’s retreating form.  

"Nothing's going on?" Tyler lied, shrinking a little under Zack's intense stare, like it was threatening to cut him in half. 

"Yeah, sure whatever." Zack eyed his brother suspiciously before turning back to his food. 

Tyler saw Josh again nearly half an hour later. He’d been sat with his family in one of the relaxation rooms, it was quiet and full of comfy chairs. Josh had walked in most likely looking for some privacy but upon noticing the room was occupied he turned around and left. Josh was too deep in thought to notice Tyler trying to catch his eye, or to see the way he immediately deflated as he turned to leave. 

"Where's the toilet?" Zack asked distracting Tyler. 

"Just use the one in my room. Need me to show you?" Tyler mumbled. 

"No I got it thanks." Zack replied halfway out the door already.

He immediately hurried after Josh before he disappeared into the maze of corridors.

"Hey, you're Josh, right?" He said patting Josh on the shoulder. Josh turned around confused, before recognising him.

"Zack?" He raised an eyebrow. 

"Yeah, Tyler's  _brother_." He emphasised. "Look I don't know what's going on between you and my brother, but leave him alone." Zack spat. 

Josh took a step back, it felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. He hadn’t expected Zack to be so angry at him.

"He's finally starting to get better so I don't want you or anyone else ruining it. He belongs home with us, his  _family_. Not here with  _you freaks_. So, if you do anything to set him back I will make you regret ever looking twice at my brother, got it?" Zack poked at his chest harshly, puffing out his chest to intimidate Josh. 

Josh nodded solemnly, dropping his head in shame. 

"Glad we have an understanding." Zack smiled almost tauntingly before turning on his heel and walking off. 

Josh's heart hammered in his chest, he knew that Zack was right; he could be the thing to set Tyler back. What if he became the reason Tyler wasn't home with his family, living the life he deserved? He would never forgive himself. 

Josh could feel his chest tighten threateningly, warning of an oncoming panic attack if he let this feeling spiral. He leant onto the wall to prop himself upright.

“ _This is all your fault_ ”. He whispered to himself, beating himself up. He needed to make sure he didn’t do anything to jeopardise Tyler’s chances of getting better, he had to protect the boy he loved, especially from himself.


	17. seventeen

Just when Tyler was beginning to think his family would never leave, his mother suggested that perhaps it was best they went home now. Tyler was eyeing his brother suspiciously, seeing as he’d returned from the toilet too quickly to even have made it to Tyler’s room. He stood up at his mother’s words, trying to hide his eagerness to be alone again for a while. 

As he escorted them to the main entrance., his mother looked anxious, like she was trying to figure out how to say what she wanted to. 

"What's wrong?" Tyler's brow furrowed. 

"Just tell him mom." Maddy said giving her mother a reassuring smile. 

"Well. Not long after-" His mother hesitated over the memory of the incident that had put Tyler in this place, he winced. "Well, we got a letter to say that at your last game a scout from Otterbein saw you play and so-" She bit back a smile and Zack took the opportunity to finish the sentence for her.

"They're offering you a scholarship." He said excitedly. 

"They're what?" Tyler replied after a moment of shocked silence. Trying to take in his family's excited faces. One by one their smiles dropped as they realised Tyler wasn't as excited as they thought he would've been. 

"A scholarship. To university. To play basketball." His sister spelled out for him. 

"I-I don't know what to say." Tyler hesitated. 

"It's okay, there's plenty of time to think about it.” His mother soothed, stepping forward to squeeze his arms comfortingly. “But they said, if you keep improving at this rate you might be ready to leave here in a month or so.  You can come  _home_ ," she stressed. "You can get your life back on track all with a brilliant future all set up waiting, isn't that great?" His mother replied hopefully. 

Tyler faked excitement, let his siblings encase him in a group hug. He waited as they were signed out before ushering them out the front door. He pretended not to see his mother practically break down on her way to the parking lot. 

When he headed for the corridor he saw Josh leaving one of the rooms, they made eye contact for a moment, before Josh ducked his head and began walking hastily to his room. Tyler called out Josh's name but he kept walking, pretending not to hear. Tyler was confused, his brow furrowing as he stared after Josh. He called out again but Josh kept walking, concerned he chased after him. 

Josh seemed to notice Tyler was following and he practically jogged into his room, shutting the door right before Tyler could reach it. 

"Josh?" Tyler knocked on Josh's bedroom door. He tried the handle but Josh must be holding it shut. "Josh, please." He knocked again this time more persistently.

The door didn’t budge. 

“Come on Josh don’t shut me out.” Tyler pleaded, resting his head on the door. There was yet more silence. 

"Fine, I'll wait." Tyler huffed out. Josh winced as there was a light thump as Tyler sat back against the door frame. Josh groaned at his stubbornness, but the aching in his chest just told him it made him love him more. Josh’s hand hesitated over the handle.

With a heavy sigh, Josh slowly began opening the door. Tyler instantly scrambled to his feet at the turning of the door handle. 

As soon as the door was open Josh was immediately attacked by pulling him into a tight embrace. Peppering Josh with feather light kisses on his shoulder, collarbone and neck. Josh shivered and scrunched his nose, ticklish. 

"Tyler stop." Josh pushed Tyler off, placing a hand on his chest as they rested their foreheads together. 

"Stop shutting me out." Tyler whined, taking Josh’s face into his hands. 

"Tyler I-" Josh closed his eyes, fighting to make his words come out. "I don't need you to take care of me.” 

"I know." Tyler reassured pushing his head forward gently so their noses rubbed together. Their mouths were so close now that Josh's lips brushed Tyler's as he tried to speak.

"I don't want you to take care of me, I want you to focus on taking care of yourself." 

“Maybe you should take your own advice Josh.” Tyler gave him a pointed look. “I love you, I’m gonna worry about you, doesn’t mean I’m not taking care of myself. Being with you makes me a better person.” Tyler smiled and Josh sighed, defeated. 

“I love you too.” He mumbled and Tyler scoffed, nipping at the tip of Josh’s nose playfully. 

“You could pretend to be happy about it ya know?” He teased and Josh couldn’t help the playful eye-roll he gave in response. 

“I’m sorry oh love of my life.” Josh teased back making Tyler chuckled fondly. He pulled at the nape of Josh's neck, closing the tiny gap left between them. 

Their lips crashed together, Josh almost instantly reciprocating. Josh tried to ignore the nagging voice in the back of his head that told him he was only holding Tyler back. 

“Stop overthinking.” Tyler said against Josh’s lips. “That’s my job.” He smiled before pulling Josh into a hug, squeezing his shoulders tightly. 

Josh hugged back tightly, nuzzling into Tyler’s shoulder. Letting safety wash over him as he took in the familiar smell of Tyler. 

“Josh.” Tyler said softly into his shoulder. 

Josh hummed, the vibrations travelling down his spine and making him shiver and almost giggle like a child. 

“You know I’m not ashamed of you, right?” Tyler said pulling apart the hug to make eye contact. He thought back to when Josh had let go of his hand during lunch at the mention of Jenna. 

Josh looked at him with awe, as though he never thought someone would tell him that, it broke Tyler’s heart a little. “I love you, I’m proud to be your boyfriend. I-if that’s what you want to be?” He blushed shyly. 

Josh’s eyes sparkled as he took in Tyler’s words. He nodded frantically not trusting himself to speak without getting emotional. He clung to Tyler desperately as he pulled him into another slow kiss. They were both smiling too much to kiss properly, finally breaking apart with soft chuckles. 

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Tyler teased and Josh nodded frantically again. 

“Love you.” Josh finally managed to say beaming widely flashing his pearly teeth. 

“Love you most.” Tyler said with a kiss to Josh’s nose. He took Josh’s hand and began pulling him over the bed. “But I need a nap, socialising is exhausting. I need cuddles immediately.” He pouted and Josh laughed. 

“What else am I here for.” Josh said climbing onto the bed beside Tyler and pulling him close, snuggling up. They were asleep almost instantly.


	18. eighteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***ONE WEEK LATER***

"So how was it to see your family?" Dr. Kemp asked only to be met with silence. Tyler fiddled with the sleeves of his hoodie instead of looking at her, chewing on his bottom lip. 

"They must have told you the good news?" She continued. 

When there was yet more silence, Dr. Kemp sighed and pulled her clipboard into her chest. "Did something happen with Josh?" She asked carefully.

Tyler's head snapped up immediately at the mention of the name. It made Dr. Kemp scribble something down with an unreadable expression.

"Of course not." Tyler shook his head, his voice croaky from lack of use. He couldn't help but think how unsettled it made him sound.

"Are you sure? I know that Josh relapsed-" She abruptly stopped talking as she saw Tyler's face fall, he had no idea. Tyler’s brow furrowed. He knew Josh hadn't been feeling great but when had he had the chance? How could Tyler really not have noticed things getting this bad, he needed to make sure Josh was okay. Dr. Kemp was red-faced as she shuffled her papers.

"That was incredibly unprofessional of me to share that information with you Tyler, please forgive me.” She cleared her throat awkwardly. “Perhaps it's best we cut today's appointment short." She scribbled something onto her notepad visibly flushed, before she began ushering Tyler out the door.

Tyler stared as the door shut in his face, his mind swirling. He went to Josh's room but found the door open, Josh not inside. Concern rising, he tried his own room next. He stopped as he saw his own door was open, he cautiously entered the room.

Josh was stood over his desk reading through the scattered papers, if he heard Tyler come in he didn't flinch. Josh continued to stare down at the pages, his head ducked so Tyler couldn't see his expression.

"Josh?" Tyler’s voice was not much louder than a whisper.

Josh finally tore his eyes away from the pages he was inspecting to look at Tyler. Tyler froze at the sight of his red puffy eyes. He looked exhausted, like his demons had begun wearing away at his soul and it broke something in Tyler’s chest. Tyler searched Josh’s eyes for that familiar spark but instead he was met by the swelling of fresh tears. 

They stared at each other for what felt like an eternity but was probably only a minute.

Josh let out a loud sob that cut through the silence and abruptly broke down crying. In a heartbeat, Tyler was by his side, his thin arms wrapping around tightly Josh, pulling his head into the crook of Tyler’s neck. They stayed like this for a while, Tyler whispering soft reassurances until Josh could stop crying. 

Josh sniffed loudly before pulling away, wiping his nose with his sleeve.

"Sorry." He said weakly.

"It's okay." Tyler replied wiping the tears that stained Josh’s cheeks with the pads of his thumbs.

"You wrote some more songs." Josh said attempting to distract himself. He tried to sound elated but the words just came out strangled. Tyler laughed lightly to diffuse the tension.

"I did." He wiped another tear from Josh's face, as Josh continued to sniffle.

"I like this one." Josh said as he picked up a piece of paper. There were some words scribbled on it, the title read 'We don't believe what's on TV'. Tyler smiled fondly at the paper, ignoring the visible shaking in Josh's hands.

"Good, I wrote it about you." He said giving his boyfriend a warm smile. 

Josh looked up at him in surprise. A part of him had hoped that it was about him, but he didn't want to presume, especially when he wasn't important. He voiced these feelings and Tyler looked at him incredulously, hands resting either side of his face.

"Josh, of course you're important! You're the most important thing in my life, don't ever say that about yourself. I love you, I'm in love with you and you could ignore me or push me away or downright tell me you don't want to be with me but it really won't change that. You’re so loved Josh.” Tyler promised, needing Josh to believe him.   
Josh let another round of sobs overcome his body, before wrapping his arm around Tyler's neck to pull his body flush against his, his wet cheek pressing against Tyler's dry one. Josh began pressing kisses all over Tyler’s face, making something in Tyler's stomach tingle, like the ground had been sucked from under his feet, he was falling in the best way possible.

“You mean everything to me. I love you so much.” Josh sobbed into Tyler’s shoulder as Tyler pulled him in for another hug. Tyler ran his hands through Josh’s hair, usually he would have to avoid such an action because of the dye but Josh hadn’t put dye on today, yet another reason Tyler clung extra tight onto him. 

“Josh, I just want you to know that it’s okay if you relapsed, everyone will forgive you, I forgive you but it doesn’t matter about us, what’s important is that you forgive yourself okay?” Tyler said softly, causing Josh to cry some more, he pulled away to look at Tyler again. 

“H-how can I?” Josh’s voice was weak and it made Tyler’s own eyes water. He squeezed Josh’s waist as Josh wiped his face with his sweater paws. 

“Hey, hey.” Tyler soothed, trying to help Josh calm his breathing. He took one of Josh’s wrists in his hands and opened out his palm, tracing circles to help Josh count his breathing. “Listen, people cope how they have to, you’re still getting better Josh, we both are, everyday is a learning curve and if you have to take one step back before you can take two forward then that’s okay, that’s justifiable, it’s _forgivable_. But you’re not alone in this anymore okay? I’m here, I told you I’m not going anywhere.” 

Tyler said bringing Josh’s palm to his lips to kiss. 

“I love you.” Josh said with a deep breath smiling a little. 

Tyler’s heart skipped, “You’re so gosh-darn adorable.” He said wiping a left-over tear off Josh’s cheek. Josh blushed and ducked his head. “Are you blushing?” He gasped, “Oh, this is too much cuteness.” Tyler teased and Josh tried to bat away his hands and they tried to tickle a laugh out of him. Josh squirmed with small laughs escaping him involuntarily. Tyler immediately mirrored his smile. 

“S-stop.” Josh almost squealed but Tyler continued to pull him close and tickle mercilessly making Josh bubble over with laughter. Tyler’s heart felt so full it would burst at the sound. He’d always found making people laugh rewarding but Josh’s laugh was some whole other type of reward. “Pl- _ease_.” Josh laughed out, hiccupping. 

Tyler decided to show mercy, instead wrapping his arms tightly around Josh’s waist and spinning them both around, catching Josh off-guard. Tyler flopped onto the bed, bringing Josh crashing down beside him. Both breathless and giddy. Josh continued to hiccup, and he covered his face embarrassed. Tyler laughed harder. 

“I heard kissing gets rid of hiccups.” He lied, Josh peeled back his hands to give Tyler a knowing look, obviously not fooled. Before rolling his eyes, hiccupping and then leaning closer to Tyler, allowing the brunette to latch hips onto Josh’s in a slow gentle kiss.


	19. nineteen

Tyler and Josh sat pressed together on the sofa of the TV room. Finding Nemo was playing and Tyler spent most of his time watching the child-like awe on Josh’s face as he watched it than actually enjoying the movie himself. 

He finally tore his gaze away from mapping out the freckles on Josh’s nose to look up at Dr. Kemp walking in. He sat up a little bit straighter, as they made eye contact, while she hovered in the doorway. She was holding a large envelope in her hands as she gestured with her head for Tyler to come with her. 

With a reassuring smile to Josh, Tyler followed her out of the room and into the hall for more privacy. 

“You have mail.” The doctor said with a warm smile handing over the letter. 

Tyler inspected it noticing that it had already been opened. He looked up at his therapist with a furrowed brow. 

"Your mother opened it. But it is standard procedure to check all mail in case it contains anything triggering or anything you might be able to hurt yourself with." She reassured. 

"Did you read it?" Tyler swallowed a lump in his throat.

Dr. Kemp nodded apologetically before excitedly gesturing that he should hurry up and open it.

Tyler fumbled with the contents, pulling out the thick brochure and the letter attached to it. He slowly read the letter his heart dropping into his stomach. Taking in the Otterbein logo and the big words that spelled out 'Congratulations!'. A tiny " _oh_ " was the only sound Tyler could seem to produce, unsure how else to respond. 

"Isn't this good? It means you have something to look forward to once you leave? Otterbein's scholarship program sounds really excited and..." Dr. Kemp continued to talk about how proud Tyler should be and such but he tuned her out. He continued to stare at the letter in his hands. He hadn't thought about the future in the longest time, for a while he’d maybe even forgotten there was one. 

Suddenly Tyler was hit with the realization that one day he would leave this place, there would be no more white walls and group therapy and set meal times. But there would also be no constant access to Josh and that terrified him beyond belief. Josh had become like a second lung, he was so vital to Tyler's life, he couldn't breathe right without knowing he was there, and he knew Josh was in the same boat. His heart thudded in his chest, his ears ringing. He needed to get his breathing stable but instead he continued to let out short, raspy breaths, each one seeming to just suck more oxygen out of his body. Tyler backed up against the wall, desperate to find purchase on something, to cling to something real, he felt like the ground had been sucked from under him, he was falling, in the worst way possible. 

Tyler sunk to the floor, pulling his knees up to his chest as he gasped for air fighting against his now tunnelling vision. Dr. Kemp had noticed the panic attack and began attempting to talk Tyler down but to no avail. As he sunk to the floor, she let out a slightly too loud call of his name, drawing the attention of all the patients in the TV room, including Josh. 

Josh ran out of the room, immediately crouching next to Tyler. He gently placed his hand on the brunette’s shoulder. He knew he wasn’t allowed to touch him but Dr. Kemp was too busy trying to help Tyler breath to say anything. 

“Tyler?” Josh spoke softly. His voice breaking Tyler out of his panic, like reality suddenly snapped back into focus. His wide, scared eyes zeroed in on Josh. Josh began counting out Tyler’s breaths, holding his hand tightly as Tyler reached out for him. He kept counting until Tyler’s chest no longer felt like it was going to cave in on itself.   
When he was sure he had calmed down he allowed Josh to help him stand on his shaky legs. 

"I think it's best if you go and get some fresh air Tyler." Dr. Kemp suggested her face full of relief as well as concern. She was stressed trying to get the small crowd surrounding them to disperse. 

"I'll take him." Josh offered guiding Tyler down the hall, a firm hand placed between his shoulder blades. He pulled his hand away when the therapist looked over at them. The gesture had been so comforting and its removal couldn't help but make everything feel worse. 

Tyler stopped and turned around. He took the few steps over to pick up the letter from where he dropped it. Tyler slowly handed it back to Dr. Kemp, she seemed saddened by the action but still took the letter from him. 

Tyler turned back to Josh then, walking back over to where he was patiently waiting, letting Josh lead them through the maze of corridors. When they missed the turning to head outside Tyler looked at Josh confused. 

"Sorry, did you actually want to go outside?" Josh stopped walking, voice full of concern. 

Tyler shook his head, looking up and down the corridor to see they were alone and then promptly intertwining his fingers with Josh's. Josh squeezed his hand as he gave him a blushing smile before leading him towards the bedrooms instead. 

Josh lead them to his room, sitting on the bed as soon as he entered the room. Tyler closed the door and moved to stand over Josh. Resting his hands on his shoulders as Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler’s waist, pressing his cheek into his stomach in a hug. He knew before the crying started that it was coming because of how tightly Tyler squeezed his shoulders. As Tyler began sobbing Josh moved back, coaxing Tyler to crawl onto the bed with him. Josh sat propped up by the wall and guided Tyler to sit in his lap. Tyler immediately clung to Josh wrapping his legs around his waist and sobbing into the shoulder of his shirt. 

After a while he calmed down, his breathing falling into sync with Josh's. Helping him stop crying as Josh continued to voice his praise and reassurance. 

"What happened?" Josh asked cautiously. Tyler shifted in his lap, wiping the last few years from his cheeks and turning to face him. 

Tyler sighed before finally telling Josh about his scholarship. 

Josh’s mouth pulled down into a frown as he brush tears from Tyler’s red cheeks. "But that's a good thing isn’t it, Ty?” His eyes searched Tyler's eyes for the answer but Tyler simply avoided his gaze. 

Tyler pulled Josh's wrists into his hands, looking down at them. He began rubbing his thumbs over the veins situated there as he spoke. 

"I don't know." He slowly brought Josh's left wrist to his lips and kissed it. "I just want to stay right here, in this moment" -he kissed Josh's shoulder- " _forever_."   
Josh’s breath caught in his throat. 

Tyler moved his face closer to Josh’s gently grazing his nose in a line from Josh’s shoulder to his neck, stopping at Josh's pulse point. "I don't care about" -he kissed the spot, resisting the urge to suck a hickey into it as Josh trembled underneath his touch- " _College_ " -he kissed Josh's cheek next- "or scholarships." Tyler moved to Josh’s other cheek. "I just care about" -he kissed the tip of Josh's nose- " _you_." 

Josh rubbed their noses together as he felt his heart skip a beat. He rested his forehead on Tyler's. 

"I wanna stay with you forever." Tyler continued, rubbing their noses some more before pecking at Josh's lips briefly. "I love you." Another peck. "So much." Another kiss. "More than anyone else in the world has loved anyone before." He promised, laughing lightly at his own cheesiness. They kissed again, lingering this time. 

Josh felt his heart grow light, an odd sensation in his nose causing him to scrunch it up told him he was about to cry tears of joy. He was so in love. 

"Tyler Joseph." Josh kissed him again, just as desperate. He took Tyler’s head between his hands to make sure they looked one another dead in the eyes. "I do believe you are the love of my life."

They smiled lovingly before Tyler tugged at the nape of Josh’s neck in that telling way that told him he _really_ wanted to kiss him until their lips were swollen and they ran out of oxygen. Only then pulling apart, but only out of necessity. So, that's what they did.


	20. twenty

Josh quietly tapped out a rhythm on his lap while bouncing one of his legs. Trying desperately to dispel the anxiety that had been pent up recently. He was desperate to be with Tyler but that only made him feel worse, afraid he was being too clingy. He didn’t want to smother him or burden him, he was terrified of Tyler finding him too much to handle and walking away, like everyone before him. 

"Joshua, can we talk about it?” Dr. Long sat forward, gripping the edge of her folder tightly. “What’s wrong?”

Josh avoided looking at her, staring off into space. 

"Many things." He mumbled. 

"Give me an example?" His therapist continued, watching the way his leg jigged up and down.

"Why?" Josh huffed, folding his arms to stop himself from tapping anymore. 

" _Joshua_." Dr. Long replied sternly, unsurprised by his stubbornness.

"It doesn't matter you can't change anything; I'm just going to be stuck in here for the rest of my life." He spat, not meaning to raise his voice. 

"Maybe I can't make it better, but maybe you can by talking about it." Dr. Long replied calmly, not taking the bait for a fight. 

Suddenly Josh couldn't stop the flow of words falling out of his mouth. He couldn't stop himself from confessing everything, how he felt like his family resented him for what he did. How he felt like Tyler deserved the moon on a stick and he couldn't give it to him. How he had no future and Tyler had a bright one and was going to actually get out of the facility, half of Josh was so happy for him because Tyler's happiness was his everything but the other half was heartbroken at the thought of being without him. 

"Josh, what would you say was the reason why you relapsed?" Dr. Long asked carefully knowing she was in dangerous territory. 

Josh avoided her gaze. After everything he confessed to her he felt anxiety bubble in his chest again. It hurt to think about himself in such a negative mind-set.  

“Does Tyler make things better or worse?”

"Better." Josh replied without hesitation.

"It sounds me to like he might not be." 

Josh glared at her with disgust. "Bullshit." He knew he was pushing his luck but he was angry. 

"You want to punish yourself for not being happy for him, and that's not okay Josh. You aren't bad for wanting to keep him all to yourself, I'm sure he feels the same." The sudden gentleness startled Josh and he sat silently, letting her words echo through his skull. 

"You didn’t approve of relationships." He challenged, scared this was a trap to confess to a relationship with Tyler beyond friendship. 

"I don’t. But I spoke to Dr. Kemp after Tyler told her the truth and we discussed it, I was hesitant but she says his improvement is largely down to your influence, and I must admit you were, at least until now, getting much better yourself." The doctor reasoned and Josh felt his heart pounding. 

This new information was a lot to take in, Josh's head spun as he tried to process what she was saying. 

Tyler had promised him they wouldn't get caught, that they wouldn't get broken apart, and all this time he had been talking to Dr. Kemp about it. He felt a mix of emotions in his stomach, like he was about to throw up.

What else had he been telling his therapist; did she know they slept in the same bed too or was that still their secret? He gripped the arms of the chair tightly as his own therapist continued to talk.

Josh's head was still reeling as he headed back to his room after his therapy session. He needed some time to himself, so lost in his thoughts that he had turned down the wrong corridor. Instead of heading to his room his feet had automatically taken him towards Tyler's room. He mentally berated himself and went to turn around when he heard shouting.

"Please don’t do this!" 

Josh knew the voice was Tyler’s and the distress in it was enough to cause him to go and see what was going on. As he approached the door he heard the shuffling of papers and what sounded like two people struggling against one another. 

"It's for your own safety. You'll get them back when you're ready." Dr. Kemp sighed sadly. 

Josh approached the door just as a monitor swung it open carrying a handful of pens. Tyler was being held against the wall by another as a third helped Dr. Kemp gather up the sheets of paper that littered his desk and placed them into a folder. 

"Josh." Tyler let out a needy a sob, upon seeing his boyfriend. Dr. Kemp looked up at him surprised. 

"What are you doing?" Josh asked gesturing to the folder in her hands. 

"Confiscating Tyler's pens and paper until he can use them appropriately. That means, you can't give him any of yours Joshua." She said firmly, pushing her glasses further up her nose. 

"I-I don't have any." Josh said defensively, holding his hands up. He knew she was saying that because she knew they were more than just friends and it made him feel sick. He wondered how many conversations about his relationship she and Dr. Long had had, it made his skin crawl. 

"I _was_ using it appropriately, please I won't do it again! I need it!" Tyler almost fell to his knees as he struggled against the monitors hold.

"I'm sorry Tyler, but it's the rules. I can't have you hurting yourself again, you need to earn back my trust." The therapist gathered the last few pieces of paper and motioned for the monitors to follow her as she left the room. 

As the one holding Tyler let him go, he stumbled forward slightly, he made as if he was about to chase the doctor but instead collapsed into Josh's arms. He instantly began sobbing. 

Josh guided Tyler over to the bed, both sliding under the white sheets. He lay with Tyler curled against him until his sobs subsided into light snores. Josh didn't say a word the entire time, only stared down at Tyler's features, mapping them out in his mind as he tried to reason with the war waging inside his head.

Josh wanted to comfort him, wanted to hold him, cry for him even. He knew how much writing those songs meant to Tyler, but he also felt like he suddenly knew nothing about him at all. 

Why hadn't Tyler told Josh that Dr. Kemp knew about their relationship? Why hadn't he come to Josh when he was hurting himself? Josh felt like no matter how hard he wanted to, he couldn’t trust Tyler right now and he needed time to get over it and this was the worst timing possible because Tyler needed him more than ever. But he couldn’t help him when he needed to get his head together. 

When Tyler woke up, he reached out to be met with empty sheets. Josh had left him while he was sleeping. 


	21. twenty one

Silence hung thickly over the group therapy session. 

“Why don't we go around the group, I want everyone to say one negative emotion that they've experienced since our last session, it can be anything; fear, anxiety, anger. Whatever it is that really stood out as the worst emotion for you over these past few days." Adam edged forward on his seat trying to catch a few people's eyes, but they all avoided his gaze. 

They went around the circle.

" _Fear._ "

" _Despair._ "

" _Hopelessness._ "

"Abandonment." Josh looked up, almost directly across the circle towards the small voice that spoke. Tyler stared straight back a pained look on his face, but he was determined to hold his ground, he wouldn't be the first to look away. They kept up their staring match until it got to Josh's turn.

"Betrayal." His own gaze snapped straight to the floor, just missing the falter in Tyler's expression. Tyler looked on at him confused, a pain rising in his chest.

The few remaining people spoke before Dan started up again. "Okay, so now we're going to go around again but this time tell me the most positive emotion you've felt recently. The best you've felt."

" _Happiness._ "

" _Peaceful._ "

" _Joy._ "

"Safety." Tyler's gaze never left Josh, and Josh’s eyes flicked up to meet it. Tyler begged the tears stinging his eyes to go away.

"Hope." Was what Josh said in return, his heart beating a mile a minute.

"Good. So, think about what caused those two very widely different emotions." A pause. "Now which situation would you like to be in again? Which emotion if you had to pick would you rather experience, which is more important?"

Tyler's breathe caught in his throat, a few people shifted uncomfortably around him.

"So, I want you to make a plan. Plan for you to find a way to ensure that you –for the most part, and I know it isn't easy- avoid that negative feeling or the situation that caused it, and find a way to experience that positive one again. If you felt-" he pointed at the third girl "joy, let's say, while you were painting for example, then paint more, tell your therapist you want to try more intensive art therapy. Think about the steps you could take to get rid of the things that bring you down and do more of the things that raise you up."

Adam's words hung over the group like a weighted curtain, they all knew he was right but that it wasn't going to be that easy.

Tyler looked back at Josh again, he knew what made him feel safe, he knew what he needed to feel that again, but now he wasn't sure if Josh could give it to him. He felt a sharp pain in his stomach, he winced but tried to cover it hoping no one saw. But Josh did. 

The two boys didn’t speak to one another until lunch time.

Tyler sat to himself in the corner.

"Can I sit?" Josh asked carefully, aware that the last time they spoke was a few days ago right before Josh walked out on him.

Tyler looked up at him, a mix of emotions crossing his face. He made note of the tired bags under his eyes, obviously, like Tyler he had found it hard to sleep without the other pressed against him, an anchor from the nightmares and dark thoughts. His hair was blue again, and Tyler felt a twinge of sadness remembering the meaning of the colour all too well. 

At least there's a colour on it. Tyler found himself thinking. 

He felt his chest tighten as the stinging pain which had been a dull ache for most of the day returned. 

You still love him, how pathetic. A voice spat inside his head, he willed it to shut up. 

Tyler turned back to his food, picking at it with a fork. Josh sat down, unsure if the silence had been a yes or not. At the lack of protests he figured it hadn't been a no, which gave him a glimmer of hope again. 

He cursed Adam for being annoyingly right, going after the thing that had caused him to feel hope really was what he needed, he needed _Tyler_. He hated himself for taking so long to figure that out, that no matter who Tyler had told about them he had been the one to actually hurt their relationship. He knew he should have been honest and not left Tyler the way he did but he had needed to be alone. He knew he didn't deserve Tyler, let alone his forgiveness. 

"I'm sorry I'm a horrible person." Josh blurted. "I needed some time to sort my head out and- and I should've just been honest with you but I wasn't I was selfish and cruel and I'll never forgive myself for that Tyler. I don't even deserve your forgiveness and that's okay ‘cause what I did was selfish and unfair on you." 

Tyler squeezed his eyes shut. He wanted Josh back so badly he almost burst into tears. 

Josh reached out for Tyler's hand. As he held it he felt how clammy his palms were, his brow furrowed. "Wow Tyler, you're really hot."

Tyler looked up at him with disgust, ripping his hand away.

"No, no I mean like actually hot." Josh shuffled closer placing a hand to Tyler's forehead which was also clammy and warmer than normal. 

Tyler dodged out of his reach. The pain grew more intense at the sudden movement, his heart beat hitched along with his breathing. 

"Ty, you're burning up are you okay?" Josh's eyes were full of worry and concern and Tyler willed the pulling in his chest to go away.

"I'm _fine_." He snapped before getting up suddenly. His head spun but he pushed through it. _He had to get out of there_. He grabbed his half-eaten meal and went to the drop off for finished plates but a monitor stopped him. Every move felt like it was being done underwater, he was wading against an invisible current that made his every muscle ache with the exertion.

Josh stood up as he went. He'd seen the pain Tyler had felt that morning and something was very wrong. He followed closely behind but a second monitor told him to sit back down and eat. 

“Please? I really don’t feel good.” Tyler said but the monitor gave him a stern look. Tyler sighed and turned to sit back down. 

Everything was spinning as he placed his tray on the edge of the nearest table. The pain in his stomach grew too much and he gasped bending over the table. He looked down at his shaking hands, to see blood had begun seeping through his shirt. 

Josh instantly stood up but the monitor from before grabbed him. 

Tyler stood up slowly before his vision went white and the ringing in his ears grew deafening. There was no pain at all, the white-hot iron grip around his torso simply let him go, and like a doll in its hand he fell lifelessly to the floor as if he had been dropped. Knocking his food tray over with it. 

He didn't hear the panicked shout of his name as Josh rushed to catch him, or the shocked gasped of everyone else in the food hall. 


	22. twenty two

Tyler's eyes fluttered open as the world snapped into focus around him. Bright white tile stared back at him as he looked straight ahead, a dull hum of equipment and a steady beep of a heart monitor grew louder as his hearing adjusted. He groaned, recognising that he was in a hospital, the motion causing him to jolt at the dull ache in his lower body. He winced shifting uncomfortably which only caused fire to course through his veins. 

He groaned again, frustrated as the memory of what happened came back to him. He had just been about to find out why Josh had left him, he was about to get his safety back and now, he'd probably thrown it all away. He hated himself.

He heard the door to the room open and quickly shut his eyes desperate to avoid any confrontation.

"There's no telling when he will wake up, we expect it to be by the end of the day." An unfamiliar male voice spoke.

"I just don't understand why he..." His mother's sad voice trailed off.

A third voice spoke that he wasn't expecting. "It seems to me that he must have lifted a pen from one of our staff without us realising, which he then broke up and used to" Their voice faltered. "Hurt himself rather badly."

"The wound was infected and his blood loss was rather high, you're lucky you got him to us when you did, it could have been much worse." The doctor finished.  
Tyler would have berated himself for being so careless but his head was pounding too much for him to focus.

"I'll give you some time with him." The doctor spoke after a silence. Tyler felt warm hands encase his own and knew his mother was at his side now, he heard the door close knowing that the doctor had left.

"You said he was better, he was-" the words caught in his mother's throat and he knew she was crying. A pang of guilt shot through his chest. "He was supposed to be coming _home_ in a few months."

"I don't know what to tell you Mrs. Joseph." Dr. Kemp said cautiously.

"You can tell me how you failed your job." Mrs. Joseph snapped. If Tyler had been 'awake' he would have winced at that, his mother's words were as harsh as a slap to the face.

"Perhaps," Dr. Kemp continued ignoring the insult. "Tyler might benefit from being sent to a more intensive facility, somewhere that can really give him around the clock attention." There was a shuffling Tyler couldn't distinguish before Dr. Kemp cleared her throat. "I'll give you some time with him to discuss it and think it all over." He heard her leave the room before his mother sighed loudly.

Tyler debated opening his eyes for a second, but he wasn't sure if he was ready to face his mother. Just then, there was a light knock on the door as someone else entered.

"Uh, hi Mrs Joseph." The voice was small and hesitant. Tyler's heart monitor faltered but if either of them noticed they didn't react.

"Hello Joshua." Her voice appeared warm, which caused Tyler to relax.

"Uh yes, I just" He took a long shaky breath. "I'm about to leave but I was just hoping I could say goodbye, I thought maybe..." He trailed off.

"You thought he might be awake?" Tyler's mother finished for him. There was silence before his mother shifted. "You can have five minutes." Her warm hands slid from Tyler’s. Tyler heard shuffling before the door opened and shut.

Josh placed his hand lightly on Tyler's. Tyler's eyes fluttered open, catching Josh by surprise. He gasped quietly.

"Tyler?" He breathed out squeezing his hand. "Let me get the doctor, are you okay? Does it hurt?" Tyler almost laughed but the jolt of fire returned and he decided against it, settling for a slow shake of his head.

"I'm okay." He croaked out his voice raw from lack of use. "Please." He pulled weakly on Josh's hand as he tried to get up to fetch someone. "Just stay here for a minute please." He breathed out.

Josh nodded, before reaching for a cup of water. He helped Tyler to drink some carefully, cupping the back of his neck for support. 

"I-I thought you were dead." Josh finally said but the words felt lodged in his throat, like he was scared to say them.

Tyler moved his hand up to cup Josh's cheek, Josh’s own hand moving up to encase it. Josh leant into the touch as he looked up at Tyler, his big hazel eyes emotional.

"It's okay Josh." Tyler promised.

"No it's not Tyler and it's my fault." Josh sighed squeezing his eyes shut.

Tyler's brow furrowed. "It's not."

"It is." Josh replied firmly, moving Tyler's hand from his face to his lap, looking down at it. His fingers tracing patterns into Tyler’s palm. "I abandoned you when you needed me the most. I was selfish and it hurt you and I can never forgive myself."

Tyler seemed to consider his words for a moment. "But you're here now. I _forgive_ you. It's okay."

"No its not okay. But I'm gonna make up for it I swear, I'm gonna make it up to you even if it takes the rest of my life." Josh looked up at Tyler again, his gaze intense. Tyler flushed, shrinking from the intensity slightly.

"Is that a promise?" Tyler squeezed his hand, smiling shyly.

"Promise." Josh nodded. 

Tyler snapped his gaze back up to meet Josh's. He pulled his hand from his grasp to pull at the nape of Josh's neck instead. Tyler moved his lips slowly against Josh's, his tongue slipping past Josh's lips to explore his mouth. It was slow and lazy and meaningful, a promise of forever. Tyler wanted to take this moment and wrap himself up in it forever, his head was foggy from blood loss and medication and every emotion he was still yet to figure out but one thing was crystal clear -never failing to part the mist in his eyes and dissipate the cloudy-ness of his dark thoughts- Josh’s touch was heaven. Every kiss, and brush of their tongues, the shake in his arms, the pads of his fingers pressing into Josh’s neck, the way Tyler’s breath danced across his lips. It's the only home Tyler has ever felt deep in his core that he truly belonged in. They broke apart all too soon, Tyler reaching out to try and pull Josh close to him. He shivered at the loss of Josh's heat.

"Tyler, someone might see us." Josh warned but he was smiling a little, cheeks flushed. 

Tyler knew that his mother could walk in but he didn't care. He rested his forehead on Josh's own, squeezing his eyes shut in the hopes that everything else but Josh's weight against him would just melt away into nothingness.

"I don't care." He balled Josh's shirt up in his fist to keep him close. "This is the only medicine I need. You make me feel safe."

Josh's heart fluttered in his chest before he was kissing Tyler desperately again. He broke away just in time for Tyler's mother to return to the room.

"Oh Tyler!" She gasped realising he was awake. "I'm going to get the doctor." She said hurriedly, rushing off to tell someone.

Tyler looked at Josh with a small laugh, taking Josh's hand and squeezing it. Josh pulled away as Mrs. Joseph returned. She wasn't alone, not only had she brought a doctor but there was someone else who entered awkwardly behind her.

Josh moved from beside the bed out the way of the doctor who began checking Tyler over, asking him questions to make sure he didn't have concussion from his fall and such. Once he seemed satisfied he said he would be back to check on him in a bit before excusing himself.

Tyler finally acknowledge the third presence in the room.

"Jenna?" Tyler said confused but he seemed pleased to see her nonetheless, Josh felt his chest constrict. She was beautiful, all long blonde hair and piercing blue eyes, her smile lit up the whole room, Tyler wasn't even be able to help himself as he mirrored it.

Josh remembered the way Tyler's mother had insisted she visit Tyler, her intentions might as well have been written across her forehead. Josh tried to hide the way his heart sank and he watched the two interact.

Dr. Kemp popped her head around the door, smiling when she saw Tyler was awake and smiling at something Jenna had said.

"Josh, time to leave." Tyler's head snapped around, his eyes scared. Josh discreetly squeezed his hand.

"I'll see you soon Ty." He said, Tyler yanked him in for a tight hug.

Josh pulled away embarrassed before composing himself and walking out.

"Thank you for letting me see him Mrs Joseph." He smiled politely.

"Of course." Kelly smiled back before turning her attention back to her son and his guest.

Josh waved bye and left, refusing to look back over his shoulder like he so desperately wanted. He rubbed his eyes, he was exhausted. There was too much noise in his head, he needed Tyler to silence it but things were too complicated for that now. He wasn't going to sleep tonight, he knew it, he could already feel the demons tugging at his skull, twisting his thoughts viciously. He sighed heavily, he had no energy to fight them right now, so he let them stew and stir up his mind until everything just felt dark and heavy and worthless.  


	23. twenty three

Tyler wasn't allowed to be released from the hospital for another three days due to the need for a psychiatrist to be called in the speak to him. He was so itching to get out of the hospital that he almost ripped his stitches as he flung himself out of the bed. He winced as the nurse helping him gave him a stern look.

Tyler's mother helped him to pack the small bag of things she had brought for him. She stopped folding clothes to sit on the edge of the hospital bed.

"Tyler, we need to talk before you go back." She sighed. 

Tyler immediately stopped packing his things to sit on the edge of the bed beside her.

After a small silence, she wrapped her arm around her son. With a deep breath, she spoke. "Perhaps it's a good idea to think about a different program?" 

Tyler squeezed his eyes shut as if that would will the situation away. "No."

"Tyler, listen to me." His mother shifted around so she was crouched in front of him, looking him directly in the eyes. Her eyes were glossy as though tears were preparing to spill. "I nearly lost you twice and honestly, I really don't know what to do anymore, Tyler. I'm scared. I'm your mother and I’m supposed to know what’s wrong and how to fix it and I don't, I _can’t_ and that terrifies me. I want you to come home, to play basketball with Zack until dinner time, to yell at Maddie for hogging the bathroom, to play with Jay like you used to. I want you to be part of this family again." 

Tyler realised she was crying now, he was too. _He'd been so selfish_.

"Okay." He said weakly.

"Okay?" His mother searched his eyes for what that meant.

"I want to come home mom; I want that so badly." He finally admitted. "But I don't want to go to Otterbein, I don't want to leave…" Tyler’s croaky voice trailed off.

"Josh?" His mother supplied, she rubbed her hands down his sides comfortingly. "I've seen the way he looks at you when you're not looking." She shrugged as he stared dumbfounded. His mother gave a light laugh, the first he'd heard from her in the longest time.

"So I was a little hesitant at first, but Tyler, honey, I nearly lost you twice and I honestly cannot go through that again, _ever_. I love you so much, no matter who you love, even if it is boys with bright hair you met in a mental health facility."

Tyler choked out a happy sob, bringing his hand up to wipe his nose. His mother pulled him tightly into his chest stroking his hair and shushing him quietly.

"I think I want to come home now." Tyler mumbled into her shoulder.

"Okay." His mother replied softly, kissing his forehead. “I’ll sort it.” She promised before going back to helping him pack. 

Meanwhile Josh was currently sat in his therapy session, worrying at his lip as he tried not to think about Tyler. 

"Josh, Tyler is back today, how does that make you feel?" Dr. Long asked as she twirled her pen in her hand. Josh sighed. 

"Happy, I guess?" Josh replied unsure of what to say.

"You care about him?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Of course." Josh replied instantly not liking the implication that there was doubt he might not. 

"Look Josh, there's something I need to tell you." His therapist sat up straighter in her chair, Josh mirrored her action on reflex. He could feel his heart thumping in his chest, rattling his ribcage.

"Okay?" He pressed on hesitantly.

"Tyler,” She hesitated with a shaky breath. “It seems like that in a few weeks, Tyler will be leaving here." Josh went completely numb. “Most likely to a more intensive program but his family is considering their options and what’s best for Tyler.” 

The doctor reached out for Josh’s hand but he ripped it away, unable to look at her, his whole world rapidly spinning out of control. _How was he going to be okay if what happened to Ruby happened to Tyler, and that had been his fault too. He was bad for everyone, they would’ve been better off without him, how could be so evil._   
Josh balled his shaking fists as he tried to push down the panic attack in favour of an eerie calmness that spread through his chest. 

Before Tyler could even fully pass through the door of the facility he was being rushed through the pat down and taken to his therapy session. 

"Welcome back Tyler." Dr. Kemp smiled.

Tyler simply nodded weakly, a little disorientated from not having a chance to even catch his breath upon returning.

"I spoke with your mother and she’s began filling out the paperwork. You'll most likely be released in just over two weeks, so we can see if the new medication you were given works. We don't want to send you home before then; any kinds of changes or stress will make the meds harder to adjust to."

Tyler nodded understandingly eyes fixed out the window and the drizzle that was now coating the window frame. He wanted as much time with Josh as he could get, before the system made it hard for him to get constant access.

"So, can we talk about what happened?" Dr. Kemp pushed on, Tyler sighed heavily before turning his gaze back to Dr. Kemp.

He was going to do this; he was going to pull himself together and get strong and save himself. He was tired of hurting himself and even more tired of hurting everyone around him. He was ready to fight for once, and he was going to win. Most importantly he was going to win so he could help Josh win too.

He nodded determinedly and sat up a bit straighter. "Okay…"


	24. twenty four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING// self harm, blood, emotional break down, suicidal thoughts, talking someone down from the edge. This is the penultimate chapter please take care!

As Tyler left Dr. Kemp's office his frame felt heavy. Every step was like wading through mud, his head just wasn't in it. He was exhausted both emotionally and physically. He got half-way down the corridor before a boy ran past him almost knocking him to the floor. He shouted a frantic sorry before practically slamming her body against the door to Dr. Long's office. Tyler watched on in shock.

"Please! Dr. Long _help!_ " He shouted and slammed his fist against the wood. Dr. Long swung the door open looking frazzled and borderline distraught.

"What on earth is going on Simon?" The therapist demanded. Tyler felt bad for watching, suddenly remembering himself. Just as he was about to turn away however, he was stopped by the mention of a name.

"It's Josh." Simon panted out. Before Tyler could even hear the rest of the sentence he took off down the corridor, his heart was pulsating in his ears as dread shot through his spine.

He ran until his lungs gave out, reaching Josh's room to find a few of the other residents gathered outside mumbling and gasping as they peered through the half open door. There was a loud crashing sound before silence fell over the room and the crowd.

Tyler was breathing so heavy, his heart hammering like a train but he cautiously pushed open the door. He turned to give the other people in the hall a nod of reassurance, before fully entering the room. He half shut the door behind himself for privacy.

Once inside he noticed the destruction Josh had caused. The pillows on his bed were torn. The stool for his desk had somehow been ripped from where it was normally bolted to the floor and was lay in the opposite corner of the room, one of its legs bent. If it wasn't for the seriousness of the situation Tyler almost might have been impressed. 

There was red or orange -he couldn't tell, maybe it was both- hair dye splattered across the wall, the chalk smudged onto the normally white bed sheets. There was stuff everywhere, it was almost like a bomb had hit the place. In some ways one had.

Tyler followed the obvious flight path of the dye and found Josh sat, knees pulled up to his chest, on his bathroom floor. Tyler's heart stopped when he noticed the state of him.

His hair was bleached white, but his arm was dripping red. Tyler stepped towards him, something crackling under the souls of his sneakers. Josh's name got stuck in his suddenly dry throat. 

Josh’s knuckles were split and gushing. Tyler considered the tiny bathroom much like he had the main bedroom, noticing that hair dye was splattered all over the sink. The different colours mixed to form ugly browns and purples that trickled down the drain at a snail's pace and dripped off the outside to form a sludgy puddle under his feet. The mirror above the sink was dripping fresh blood into the mix, a large circle of fractures in the middle of it. Josh had put his fist straight through it and shards of glass were all over the shelf and sink and floor. Blood was splattered all over the walls. The whole thing looked like a crime scene, Tyler couldn't breathe.

"Josh?" Tyler finally forced the word out. 

Josh slowly lifted his head up, his usual subtle freckles that Tyler likened to constellations were covered by more prominent flecks of red. His sad brown eyes met Tyler's and he choked out a strangled cry of defeat. Tyler's heart snapped in half at the sound.

Tyler went to approach him but stopped when he realised what he was holding. His fingers were cut and bloody as he gripped tightly to a jagged shard of the mirror.

“Josh, what happened?" Something in him cracked at the realisation that not three months ago his mother had walked in on a sight not much worse than this. But this was different, Josh hadn’t gone too far yet, there was still time, there was still _hope_. 

Tyler knelt next to him, taking Josh's face in his hands. Josh pressed their foreheads together as tears slipped down his cheeks.

"You deserve better." Josh’s voice seemed strangled, as though he was talking from a far-off place within himself. Like he was being held hostage by dark creatures in some pit in the depths of his own mind.

Tyler shushed him gently trying to keep it all together. He ignored as the bedroom door burst open and Dr. Long entered the room with a horrified look on her face. She was followed into the room by Adam and another man, Tyler recognised as a monitor. Tyler tried to give Dr. Long a reassuring smile but he knew how scared he must have looked.

"Josh, it's okay. Just tell me what happened?" Tyler turned his attention back to Josh, wiping a tear from his boyfriend’s cheek.

"I hurt everyone I care about. I tried to save you from me, and instead I just hurt you." Josh sobbed out.

"Josh, what are you talking about?" Tyler asked his voice cracking with panic.

"You're leaving because of what happened. It was my fault you hurt yourself and now you're leaving. You need this place to get better and I need you to get better. I need you to live." He squeezed his fingers tighter around the mirror, visible pain on his face.

Tyler placed a hand over his hands to stop him, about to tell him that he was wrong but Josh cut him off. 

"I make such a mess of everything. I don't want you to regret me too." 

Tyler stared on confused at Josh's words before he remembered their first group session together, when Tyler had talked about the mess he was constantly leaving behind. He shushed Josh desperately, his hand guiding Josh's neck, forcing him to make eye-contact.

"Life  _is_ messy Josh. I make enough of a mess on my own, that even if you did make a mess -which you don't- I honestly wouldn't be able to tell. Hey, look at me, you make my life less messy." Tyler soothed but Josh shook his head. "I _mean it_ Josh. When you're around, I forget everything else, you're all that matters. For you, I'd stay."

"No,” Josh shook his head harshly, sniffing. “You deserve so much better Tyler. You deserve to live, not to be tied to me." He pushed Tyler off him and moved further along the wall, holding the piece of glass to firmly to his chest.

"Josh, please don't take your life away from me." Tyler pleaded desperately, his voice was strained against the freely flowing tears. He reached his hand out but Josh just pressed the tip into his skin, red blossoming through his shirt.

Dr. Long sent the other monitor for backup, but remained rigid in her spot, aware that sudden moves would be a bad idea.

Tyler stopped reaching forward, looking in Josh's eyes.

"I love you. Please don't." He said softly, like it was his most prized secret.

"I have to, you’re leaving. I love you so much and if I'm around you I can't promise I'll be strong enough to let you go." Josh choked out between grit teeth.

"I don't want you to let me go Josh." Tyler sobbed out, finally breaking. 

"You don't mean that." 

"I do." Tyler shouted as he shifted forward to place his hand over Josh's. He could feel the force with which he was holding it, shaking. "You're my _lifeline_. If you're really sure you want to leave, then, you'll just have to take me with you."


	25. twenty five (sad version)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW// suicide.
> 
> THERE ARE TWO VERSIONS OF THE ENDING. THE ALTERNATE WILL BE HAPPY BUT THIS ONE IS SAD PLEASE PLEASE BE SAFE WHEN READING THIS.
> 
>  
> 
> HERE IS A LINK TO A LIST OF SUICIDE HOTLINES: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
> 
> THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER CHOICE I PROMISE YOU THIS PAIN ISN'T FOREVER YOU'RE SO LOVED EVEN WHEN YOU FEEL SURE YOU AREN'T!!

Josh started crying harder at Tyler’s statement. 

Dr. Long was distraught, she wanted more than anything to intervene but she didn't know how. The usual protocols didn’t seem to be appropriate. So, she had to trust that Tyler would save him.

"No, no it's too late. They'll send me away now; I'll be in a place like this forever. My life is nothing without you, my life is nothing." Josh ranted, broken. 

"Josh, don't say that." Tyler pleaded, squeezing his eyes shut as tears fell from them. 

"Why not? it's true." Josh spat. "You were the best thing that ever happened to me, I'm sorry I wasn't enough." 

Tyler let out a strangled cry as Josh pushed the shard deep into his chest. 

"I love you, no!" He screamed, grappling at his shoulder as Josh slowly slid down the wall. “You were enough Josh; you are enough please don’t go.” Tyler sobbed. Josh smiled weakly as Tyler held him in his arms. Tyler stroked his hair out of his face clutching him tightly as thought it would be enough to save him.

"Stay with me. Stay for me." Tyler tried to bargain but Josh's eyes had already started to glaze over as he bled out furiously.

Dr. Long grappled for towels and sheets, her and Adam ripping them and bundling them before Adam ran for help. Dr. Long dropped to her knees, her hands were shaking as she put the cloth over the seeping wound, she placed Tyler's hand over it, pushing down hard.

"Tyler, keep it together now. I need you to apply pressure." She replied frantically. 

Tyler couldn't stop looking at Josh's face, the pain in his chest unbearable. 

" _Tyler!_ " She shouted. He finally tore his eyes away from Josh for just a second to look at the older woman, "push down hard." She said through gritted teeth. He did what he could. "Talk to him keep him talking, k-keep his eyes open." She continued. 

Tyler looked at Josh desperately. He was cradled in his arms as he sobbed, his eyes glassy and leaking a few tears as he looked at Tyler’s face.

"It's okay." Josh's voice was breathless but he managed to lift his arm to cup Tyler's face. "Now your life is free. I won't hold you back, you can go-" he strained against the discomfort, Tyler instinctively pushed down harder on his wound.

"No don't go, no Josh please don't." Tyler begged. But Josh’s eyes were already drifting to the ceiling.

"It's okay. It doesn't hurt anymore." Josh promised his voice quiet. 

" _Josh._ " Tyler was frustrated and desperate, clinging to him for dear life. "I love you."

"I love you so" He choked a little. "much Tyler, I'm sorry." 

Tyler kissed him, dripping tears down Josh’s cheeks that fell off his chin and mingled with the blood seeping all over his chest. Tyler felt Josh's lips go limp against and he pulled him tighter but he knew it was too late, he'd slipped away. Tyler pulled away as the ringing in his ears grew deafening. He held on for another minute before paramedics were rushing into the room, attempting to revive him.

Josh had lost too much blood; he'd gone so far away that not even Tyler could reach him anymore. Tyler hunched over his body, screaming. He still felt warm, Tyler could still feel his skin and see those perfect freckles on his face but he was gone. The stars in the sky had gone out, there were no more constellations, no more glints of hope shining in the moonlight, everything was a vast soul-sucking blackness draining his heart.

Tyler screamed and fought as the monitors tried to drag him off the body so that the paramedics could work but they all knew it was too late. With a regretful expression, they began to pick up the body and place it on a gurney. Dr. Long helped them to take the body away, but Tyler tried to hang on. Holding onto his hand. The monitors held on tightly to Tyler to stop him from collapsing as he screamed and sobbed some more. Josh's hand was torn for his own as the body was carted away.

"Josh." Tyler called out, his voice cracked. He fought against the monitor’s grip, crying out as he ripped open his stitches. He didn't even care, the pain in his chest was infinitely worse than a few ripped stitches. He tried to chase after Josh's body but more people restrained him. He screamed before collapsing, his whole body going limp, the monitors tried their best catch him. 

"It should've been _me_!" He screamed repeatedly as they attempted to calm him down. Nothing would calm him however; he had lost the only thing he stood to lose. The only purpose he had in life was gone and he wasn't sure if he even wanted to find a new one.

After a while a doctor sedated Tyler, taking him to the doctor’s office to sleep off the trauma. While he was out someone re-stitched his stomach, and checked him over for other injuries. 

When he awoke, he was checked for symptoms of shock and continuously fussed over. 

He felt as though he was being watched like a hawk, everyone afraid of what he would do next, like a ticking time bomb. Instead, however, he simply stared blankly into space everything numb and colourless.

There was a brief moment where all attention was towards the doctor. The group of adults crowding around Tyler's medical file, clearly discussing what to do next with him. 

He took the opportunity while they weren’t paying attention to pull something off the counter and tuck it inside the waistband of his jeans. Even if he was patted down they were unlikely to feel it. 

He waited until he was escorted back to his room, someone locked the door behind him and he was told to sleep. 

He spat out the sleeping pills he’d pretended to swallow and flushed them down the toilet. He didn’t look in the mirror he couldn’t bear to see how broken he knew he looked. 

When he was sure he wouldn’t be disturbed he pulled the scalpel from where it was hidden. He carefully removed his hoodie and cut his bandages off with the instrument, freeing his skin. 

He lay on his bed, in just his boxers, taking a deep breath and letting a single tear fall from his eye before he raised the cold metal instrument to his skin. 

His eyes fluttered as he felt himself being dragged from reality by inking tar-like arms. He heard muffled cries for help through the thick waters he was slowly submerging himself in. 

"Tyler what have you done?!" Dr. Kemp screamed in horror, shaking hands pulling at him. She had just come to check on him before lights out.

Her words echoed around his skull he heard them in his mother's voice once again. His vision tunnelled and everything went white and he saw a face. He could've sworn it was an angel but he had brown curly hair and piercing brown eyes, his laugh made Tyler's whole body feel light and with a hint of a smile on Tyler’s lips he exhaled; everything faded to black...

THE END.


	26. twenty five (happy version)

Josh started crying harder at Tyler’s statement. 

Dr. Long was distraught, she wanted more than anything to intervene but she didn't know how. The usual protocols didn’t seem to be appropriate. So, she had to trust that Tyler would save him.

"No, no it's too late. They'll send me away now; I'll be in a place like this forever. My life is nothing without you, my life is nothing." Josh ranted, broken. 

"Josh, don't say that." Tyler pleaded, squeezing his eyes shut as tears fell from them. 

"Why not? it's true." Josh spat. "You were the best thing that ever happened to me, I'm sorry." 

"I regret it." Tyler spoke suddenly, teary eyed. Josh looked up at him confused. "I regret trying to kill myself. I can admit it now, because of you. You saved my life Josh. It's thanks to you that I'm leaving, I'm going home."

"What?" Josh was breathing harshly as he tried to process Tyler’s words.

"I regret trying to end my life, that's why I'm leaving Josh. I don't regret that my actions brought me here though. Whatever force it was -fate, God, the planets aligning, coincidence- I don't care, I'm so glad it happened." Josh's grip on the shard loosened ever so slightly but Tyler noticed, it made his heart skip. _Hope_.

"Josh if you hurt yourself, I can't be responsible for what I'll do to myself." Tyler said honestly, looking deep into Josh’s eyes. Josh's breath caught. "Without you, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't feel anything. I need you to live. But you have to save yourself okay, I can't do it for you." He was pleading now, his forehead against Josh's, their jagged breaths mixing.

"I want you by my side for the rest of my sorry existence. Please don't let the darkness win." Tyler squeezed his eyes shut, his hand pulling gently on the piece of mirror in Josh’s grip. "This is all wrong, I-I'm sorry, I was going to go home and get my life together and get strong enough to help you do the same." He mumbled breathlessly, squeezing his eyes shut as though mentally berating himself. A stray tear escaped his eye. 

"You were going to…" Josh trailed off, he shook his head. "No." He said, his brow furrowed in disbelief. Tyler gripped his cheek forcing Josh to look him in the eyes. 

Tyler nodded furiously." _Yes_." Josh had to believe him, Tyler couldn't breathe as he waited for Josh to take in what he was saying.

"I love you." Josh choked out. At the feeling of Josh’s hand letting go of the mirror Tyler's whole body wracked with sobs of relief. He closed the gap kissing Josh, praying the contact was enough to bring him back to himself completely. The kiss grew desperate, Tyler clinging to Josh like he was about to vanish at any minute, his life depended on this moment. 

Josh's hands let go of the shard completely letting it clatter to the ground so they could move to Tyler's neck. He clung to Tyler so hard, Tyler's own hands threading through Josh’s hair. Their damp cheeks rubbed together, blood smearing all over their skin but Tyler didn't care, he had Josh and that was all that mattered. When they broke apart, Tyler pulled Josh into his chest, stroking his hair as he cried. 

Dr. long picked up a t-shirt off the floor and carefully grabbed the shard and stole it away before Josh could pick it up again. 

Josh continued to whisper apologies into Tyler's chest. But Tyler simply shushed him, repeatedly assuring him it was okay. 

"Everything's gonna be okay. I love you." Tyler kissed all over Josh’s face desperately, so grateful that he was still there holding Josh in his arms. 

"Josh?" Dr. Long crouched beside the sobbing boys, speaking cautiously. "Can we get you cleaned up?" She asked as she slowly offered out her hand. 

It was now that Tyler realised some paramedics and more monitors had arrived. But he was distracted from giving them filthy looks for taking their time by Josh moving. He rubbed his face with his hands, then began to get up. Tyler panicked at the loss of contact and reached out for Josh's hand standing up with him. 

"I'm not leaving his side." Tyler said firmly causing Josh to squeeze his hand tightly. 

"Josh you've lost a lot of blood." Adam piped up, wary of the pale colour Josh had gone. Tyler put Josh's arm around his shoulders to prop him up and he gave a weak smile at the gesture before they were both ushered to the Doctor's office.

In the doctor's office Josh was stitched up and bandaged and given something to help him sleep.

"Can he stay in my room?" Tyler asked his hand still firmly in Josh's. The doctors and therapists all exchange unreadable looks.

"There's a bed next door he can sleep in because we're going to need to monitor him over the next few days." Dr. Long tried to explain. Josh nodded and then pulled Tyler in for a hug, his head already growing foggy from the meds. He nuzzled into Tyler's shoulder and Tyler squeezed him ever closer.

"Then let me stay with him, please?" Tyler pushed. Dr. Long sighed, frustrated. She folded her arms but after a brief whispered debate with Dr. Kemp she caved. 

"Go change into something comfier, and bring Josh some clothes to sleep in. Dylan will escort you." Dr. Long said gesturing to the monitor behind her. Tyler's eyes went wide nodding frantically. He carefully lifted Josh off his shoulder.

"I'm coming right back okay, I promise." Tyler kissed his forehead and Josh nodded tiredly.

"We'll move him into the room next door, be quick." Dr. Kemp said with a reassuring smile.

Tyler practically ran to his room kicking off his shoes and skinny jeans before shoving on some basketball shorts and changing out of his blood-stained hoodie. The monitor waiting outside the door patiently. Tyler quickly tried to wipe the blood stains on his face with water before grabbing one of his own t-shirts and a pair of grey sweatpants. He told Dylan he had clothes for Josh before walking quickly back to the Doctor’s office.

He was a little out of breath by the time was outside the room they’d put Josh in. Dr. Kemp fixed him with a concerned look.

"There's gonna be someone sat outside the door all day, okay?" She said. Tyler nodded panting. "He's probably already asleep but if he isn't try to change him." She smiled weakly her eyes sunken from the darkness of the day. It was only mid-afternoon but to Tyler it felt much later. "I'll come get you for supper. Now go keep him company, he's lucky to have you." 

Just as Tyler was about to enter the room he turned back. "Actually, I'm lucky to have him."

Once inside Tyler placed the spare clothes on a chair in the corner. Josh tried to sit up to indicate he was still awake but he was too weak to move. Instantly Tyler was at his side, running a soothing hand through his hair.

"Can I get you into some fresh clothes?" He asked quietly. Josh nodded sleepily. Tyler got up to grab his t-shirt off the chair and headed back over. He was careful, taking every movement as slowly as he could, aware of how fragile Josh was. Once Josh was in Tyler's t-shirt, he kissed all over Josh’s face finishing with a chaste peck to his lips.

"Can I take your jeans off?" Tyler asked hesitantly. Josh simply nodded, eyes fluttering shut. Tyler pulled the tight fabric off his legs and tossed it aside, he removed his own sweats and climbed under the sheets. Josh immediately tangled their limbs, resting his head against Tyler's chest.

"Love you" Josh mumbled through the haze of his drug addled brain.

Tyler rubbed his back and whispered “I love you too. You're so strong and brave and amazing” repeatedly until Josh fell asleep in his arms.

Tyler was released one month later. He stood at the door with his mother and Josh. His mom took his suitcase along with the plastic bag of things they’d confiscated upon his arrival out to the car, telling him she'd wait there. He nodded before he turned to Josh.

"So I guess this is kind of goodbye?" Tyler said scuffing the toes of his shoes awkwardly.

"I didn't want to tell you, but my mom started processing the paperwork for my release." Josh replied casually as if it was nothing.

"Dude." Tyler scoffed before pulling him into a bouncing hug. The pair laughed.

"Calm down, I don't know when or even  _if_  they'll let me out yet but hey, it's something." Josh blushed. 

"Josh that's amazing, I'm so happy for you." Tyler said honestly. Josh smiled warmly, a genuine smile, one that had been missing from his face for a while now, before pulling Tyler in for a slow kiss. "I guess that means you'll be free to come over and help me put some music to those lyrics I wrote then?" Tyler smirked as his own eyes searched Josh's.

"I love you." Was all Josh could say before kissing him passionately once again. There was a bitter sweetness to it, knowing it would be their last for a while until Tyler could visit again or Josh got out, whichever occurred first.

"I love you so much." Tyler laughed as he looked at his now pink stained hands. "I'm not sure if I'll miss scrubbing dye off my fingers though."  
Josh laughed lightly. 

"Promise me no more blue days? No more green or colourless days either, okay?" 

Josh avoided his gaze but Tyler lifted his chin, forcing Josh to look at him again. "I want you, whenever you want to reach for a colour that isn't pink, to think about _this_ and change your mind okay?"

Josh looked at him confused but then Tyler's lips were on his and he was pulling Josh so close against his own body, kissing him like his life depended on. Trying so desperately to convey every inch of love he felt for the boy in the short amount of time he had to do so.

They pulled apart gasping. " _Oh_." 

"Promise?" Tyler asked again, biting back a grin. 

"I don't think I'll ever forget _that_." Josh assured. 

"Good." Tyler pecked his lips one more time and with another round of promises of love and reunions, Tyler was heading out into the world.

Josh waiting just behind him, ready to catch up to him as soon as he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING THIS FIC!!!!
> 
> if you liked it feel free to read the sequel Keystone !!! :D


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